Roger's Compendium of Confusion

Let's try this again...

2011-03-04T07:57:00.000-08:00

I always loved this blog, but damn if I can't remember/bring myself to update this on a regular basis! Ugh...

Yeah, I know it's been way too long...

2010-10-01T10:54:00.000-07:00

but I am making a commitment to updating this regularly again. I enjoy my blog, and it's about time I get back to it. Unfortunately, not today as I am pretty slammed. So, to any faithful readers - stuff coming real soon!

Dateline - the last six months...

2009-04-09T23:06:00.000-07:00

Dear Readers,

I know it has been a while, and for the faithful few who have stuck around, periodically checking out my blog for anything new, I apologize. I don't have a good reason why it's been so long so I won't bother trying to bullshit you. I give you my updates now because I owe it to you and to me.

November 14, 2008 – "You owe me a new truck asshole!"

This is the happiest day of my life! I cannot believe after 43 years of non-self induced bachelorhood I am getting married. I know in my heart she is the woman of my dreams. But, being a guy who never really had much success with women, I still hear Ferris talking about his buddy and wondering if this is me:

"Cameron has never been in love. At least, nobody's ever been in love with him. If things don't change for him, he's gonna marry the first girl he lays, and she's gonna treat him like shit, because she will have given him what he has built up in his mind as the end-all, be-all of human existence. She won't respect him, 'cause you can't respect somebody who kisses your ass. It just doesn't work."

No, I know it isn't me. Kelli is truly everything I never knew I always wanted and as she walked towards me down the aisle I had no doubts.

We drove up to Lake Tahoe on a cool Friday morning, the sun shining with not a cloud in sight. If I was to believe in omens, I might have been concerned that while we were filling up the gas tank before we left, I managed to spill my uber-giant adult sippy cup filled with Diet Coke right onto my right shoe, soaking it and my sock. But I was getting married and nothing was going to spoil my day.

If I was to believe in omens, I might have been concerned that the wedding chapel's jukebox was unable to play the CD I made with the music for the ceremony. I might have further been concerned that though I had the foresight to also bring my MP3 player with the songs on it and a connector cable the chapel had nothing to plug it into. But I had brought my laptop out of habit and my brother made a very good impromptu DJ using Windows Media Player. I was getting married and nothing was going to spoil my day.

The chapel was small, but we filled it with our friends and family who drove up to celebrate with us. We were treated to an amazing dinner by my parents and were surprised with an elegant cake by our friends Gary and Cassie. We both were on top of the world.

If I was to believe in omens, I might have been concerned with my wife's morning... err month sickness flaring its ugly head at the restaurant. But I was married and nothing was going to spoil our day.

The rest of the evening was a great success, and Kelli and I were truly happy. As we started to drift off to sleep around 12:30am, I got a call which almost spoiled our day.

My brother and his wife, along with Gary and Cassie, had decided not to stay in Tahoe and were driving back to Sacramento; Gary and Cassie in their truck following Stuart and Tammie in theirs. After stopping to switch drivers, Stuart and Tammie had a small head start on my friends as they got back on the road. That's when Stuart emphatically said to Tammie "Dear."

Actually, the word was "Deer" and it was in their path. In swerving to avoid it, Tammie over-corrected and they went off the road and down a 70 ft. embankment, the Dodge Durango ending up on the Passenger side. Gary and Cassie drove by without even seeing them. Stuart managed to scramble back up the hill and flag down a motorist for assistance. Gary and Cassie were called and they were amazing in their position as liaison to keep everyone informed. Tammie took the worst of it, including several broken bones and a bruised heart. Stuart suffered a bunch of bruises and a screwed up shoulder. Around 2am we received word that everyone was where they needed to be and nothing more could be done, so Kelli and finally went to sleep. I was awakened at 7:30am by a phone call from my brother, his first words being "You owe a new truck asshole."

I am happy to report Stuart and Tammie are both fine. Tammie's ankle is still in a boot, but they are healthy.

But I don't believe in omens and it was an amazing day!

November 15, 2008 – ~~Our wedding reception~~ "What the hell happened to you?"

When dealing with a wedding and/or reception, it takes a pretty catastrophic event to muck up the works, and my brother and his wife driving over a cliff didn't qualify, so the planned reception back in Sacramento at my Parents' house was held. Friends and family gathered to congratulate us and give us cool stuff. My brother, who was not admitted to the hospital and was convalescing at my Parents' house, was sitting in a recliner, legs up and zoned out on pain meds. The order of the afternoon was "Hi! Roger and Kelli, congratulations! I am so happy for... What the hell happened to you?" My poor brother told the story repeatedly. I am not sure, but by the last telling the Durango flipped 27 times, the hand of God caught the mangled truck in mid-air and dropped it unceremoniously on it side, wild boars frantically tried to get at Tammie in the mangled truck while Stuart climbed the hill for help, himself being chased by Aboriginal cannibals.

It's all in the presentation.

November 27th, 2008 - Our first Thanksgiving

Newly moved into my palatial 2-bedroom duplex, my wife, daughter and I were settling into life as a family. On Thanksgiving day we went to my sister's house for – wait for it – Turducken.

For the uninformed, my brother-in-law is a gourmet chef, and he pulled out all the stops on a dinner that truly magical and heavenly. I swear I could hear angels singing as I was eating.

My wife, ever the traditionalist, was still set however on cooking her own turkey dinner for her family. So on Friday she got up and started preparing a 20lb. turkey... for the three of us. Yes, that would be 3.5+ lbs. of meat for each us. To my wife's delightful glee I had bought her a nice roasting pan for the turkey, complete with two large tines for removing the bird when done. Diligently and lovingly she slaved in the kitchen, preparing the stuffing and bird. Imagine her surprise when she went to place it in the oven only to learn the damn pan wouldn't fit. That's right, the pan is about ¾" too wide. Fortunately (and for the sake of all life within a mile radius who would've been killed out of rage and frustration) the "Dollar Store" around the corner was open, and 2 tinfoil pans later the bird was in the oven. It also was a great meal, and I think over the two day span I gained 19 pounds. But the fun part of this story is the aftermath.

Completely sated, the leftover bird and stuffing was placed in containers and stored for many glorious leftovers, leaving only the tinfoil pan with about a 3 pounds of stuffing, turkey scraps, and au jous. Kelli mixed in 3 cups of dog kibble along with some mashed potatoes and gravy and placed it on the floor of the garage for doggy dinner time. I swear each dog spent the rest of the evening asleep in the living room with distended bellies and doggy grins.

Christmas time, 2008

For years television and movies have garned much success poking fun at the cravings of pregnant women. I, the uninformed bachelor would laugh in disbelief at the prospect of ice cream and pickles. But then I became a married man with a pregnant wife. Holy Shit, these cravings are real.!

On one particular Sunday afternoon I was tasked to make my wife a sandwich. A peanut butter and tortilla chip sandwich. But not just an ordinary peanut butter and tortilla chip sandwich, this had to be made to the following specifications:

Get 1 piece of bread.
Spread a moderate (not too thin, not to thick) amount of peanut butter evenly over one surface.
From the bag of Restaurant Style Tortilla Chips, remove 1 symmetrically round chip.
Crumble the chip and spread evenly over the left hand side of the chip.
Fold the right side over the left, making sure to evenly align the creases in the bread.
Eat.

It's important to note that if these steps were not followed exactly, somehow the sandwich would not taste right. Don't get me started on the peanut butter and cheese sandwich... yeah, I didn't get that one either.

January 16, 2009

It had been a very scary time for Kelli and I. From December 26th on, Kelli had been bleeding and had been on bed rest on the doctor's orders. We had a couple of scares, but each time an ultrasound had shown our son developing and growing. On this day we were scheduled to have an amniocentesis, which requires an ultrasound. It was at this appointment we learned that Brady Michael Clark had passed away. He was loved by his family, and his memory will live with us forever.

February 14th, 2009 - Valentine's Day

I know it's hard to believe for you, my faithful readers, but I have never in my 43 years had a date for Vday. I know -- completely outrgeous, but it's true. The few relationships I have had over the years never managed to be "happening" on February 14th. One year even, a girl I had just started to see had her best friend cancel our Valentine's date. Yeah, this is one holiday which pretty much sucks for me.

On February 8, 2008 I received an email from Kelli, in which she stated the following:

"I don't want a boyfriend right now Roger. It seems to just get me into trouble when I have one. So this time, I'm just going to lay low, heal myself and then move forward...."

Truly amazing how much things can change in one year. I was determined to give my wife the Valentine's Date she deserved. I bought her a dress, a velvet heart box full of Sherri's Berries™ chocolate covered strawberries, and treated her to dinner at a 4 star restaurant complete with a visit to Rick's Dessert Diner, all while our daughter stayed the night with my parents. It was elegant, romantic, and truly one of the best nights of my life.

The top 5 nights of my life (in no particular order):

The night I met my wife in person
The evening I graduated high school - what a party.
My wedding night (up until around midnight -
still working on the whole "truck financing" thing)
Valentine's Day 2009
The night of my first kiss - thanks Cindy!

April 9, 2009

One year ago today at around 10pm I met my wife for the first time in person. I remember when she opened the door my heart actually skipped a beat. She will tell you I was trembling when I hugged her, but that's just not possible. I mean I'm a guy... we don't tremble.

On this evening I took my wife out to dinner at "our spot." A lots of traded smiles, conversation, and a fully belly later, it was time to leave. It was raining as we left, and in the same parking lot as the restaurant a carnival was setup. It was empty except for the "Carneys" huddled in their coats in their game booths, trying to stay dry. As we drive by my wife sees it.

Now you have to understand, Kelli has an almost unhealthy obsession with the color Pink. In fact, I have said on many occasions that when she sees something pink, her brain processes the object in the following manner:

It's Pink.
What is it?
Do I need it?

So, she turns to me and with puppy dog eyes says "Rogee, I need it!"

One look at her and I knew there was only one option. So I turned the truck around and parked. I walked over to the game booth in the rain (please note my wife stayed warm and dry in the truck during this entire exchange) and asked the Carney what was needed for me to win it. He told me and I proceeded to win it. I went back to the truck with my wife's prize as she clapped with glee. I present to you now Dolly the Dolphin.

April 13, 2009

I close this update with a picture of my daughter Josie. We went to the park down the street from my house and had an impromptu photoshoot. Here's my favorite.

To those who managed to read thru to the end of this self-indulgent piece, I thank you for your tenacity and patience. I hope this finds you all happy, healthy, and smiling.

It's a truly sad time to be a Californian

2008-11-12T11:53:00.000-08:00

I now live in a state where bigotry is constitutional. No matter how you look at it, the passage of Proposition 8 is discrimination. Period. For those of you who don't know, the Proposition will add the following verbage to the California State Constitution: "Only marriage between a man and a woman is valid or recognized in California."

If you voted for this on religious grounds, you are incredibly naive. Your position is that homosexuality is a sin. Therefore, according to that logic, homosexuality is a choice, because the very definition of sin is "any act regarded as such a transgression, esp. a willful or deliberate violation of some religious or moral principle." OK, here's a question for you: Did you choose to be straight? Did you wake up one morning and make a conscious choice to be attracted to Alice over Ted?

The idea that the legality of a marriage between same sex couples mars the sanctity of marriage is an incredible load of vomitous bile. As a country we have a 50% divorce rate. Do I have to point out that that's half? Half of "straight" marriages end in a divorce. Oh wait, does that mean that when my neighbors Sue and Tom get a divorce that MY marriage is now in jeopardy? If Tom has an affair with our other neighbor June, does THAT put MY marriage in jeopardy? Of course not. But according to you narrow minded zealots, if Tom were to spend 35 years in a loving and faithful marriage to Pete then apparently THAT would utterly ruin MY marriage.

And, by the way, if you don't know my sexual orientation (you non-faithful readers), would that change the validity of my statements?

OK, I could rant on this for the next 60 pages, but I won't. I want you to see what Keith Oberlmann has to say:

Shame on Californians for allowing this atrocity to happen.

Hey Everybody, it's an IT!!!

2008-11-07T11:57:00.000-08:00

The first picture of the newest Clark is in, so I have to be the proud Papa and show off!

What the hell are you looking at?

Yeah, the big black area in the middle is the Baby Condo, and It is the white alien hiding behind the rock in the lower right. Kelli's thumb is there as a size reference (not really, it just sounded funny).

7 days until my wedding. Wow. I can't believe my good fortune and luck. To all my faithful readers who sent their congratulations I thank you from the bottom of my heart! I am grateful to have you all in my life because you make me better.

Things are changing...

2008-10-29T08:31:00.001-07:00

OK, I have to start this entry with an apology to one of my very best friends Jeff. Buddy, I tried to get in touch with you before I posted this but wasn't able to. Sorry.

Now on to the main event. I'm getting married, a fact my faithful readers already knew. But what you don't know is that I am getting married on November 14... of THIS year. Yep, in a little over 2 weeks. I know it seems crazy, but Kelli's never been to Lake Tahoe and we decided it would be neat to go, and get married at the same time.

Oh... and Kelli's going to have a baby.

So as I was saying, Kelli's never been and we found the perfect little...

what?

more about the... oh, ok.

Yes, I am going to be a Daddy for the 2nd time. Sometime around June of next year there will be a little Bam Bam or Bam Bette making the world a better place. This surprise is absolutely incredible, and I have been fairly giddy since I found out.

We are still planning on having our big shindig with all of our friends and family next year, but instead of a wedding it will be an anniversary/re-commitment ceremony. Maybe I will be wearing wear a BabyBjorn.

My daughter Josie is still getting used to the idea, but she's an amazing kid who I'm sure will become a big sister to envy. Major props to Daddy's Little Girl for making me laugh every single morning.

We have some challenges ahead of us, so we would appreciate all your good thoughts.

Thanks.

My family:

Anyone who knows me...

2008-09-16T23:43:00.000-07:00

knows I am very seldom at a loss for words. Well tonight it happened. First, I have to setup the back story --

I'm officially engaged! Kelli and I are getting married on October 10, 2009. I have never been more happy, and she truly is the one I was looking for my whole life. I know that sounds very "Hallmarky", but damn if it isn't the truth. I mean I have had other girlfriends (a rare few) and though I was fond of them I know now I was in no way in love.

Here's my favorite picture of my girl...

(thanks to Ken for his color correction advice - I wouldn't have noticed it and fixed it)

Along with this, I have gained a stepdaughter (to be) - an 11-year old girl name Josie. She has managed to captivate my heart almost as much as her mother.

So that's the back story - I am getting married and gaining a daughter and I couldn't be happier. So, back to where we came in --

Kelli was perusing Josie's MySpace profile this evening and came across this:

"My second hero is roger, my stepdad, and i wish he was my real biological dad. i love this man more then any other man on this planet. he's shown me what its like to be happy. he's the most amazing man in the world."

I was and am truly overwhelmed. I sat there reading that over and over again letting it sink in. I haven't been blessed with my own child as of yet, but tonight when I read this I believe I experienced at least a portion of what a father does when he looks at his child for the first time. I didn't know I had the capacity for that strong of an emotion and I am promising here, for everyone to see, that I will protect the hearts of these women who have deemed me worthy of their love.

So now I have to go find my Guy Card again. I must have left it in the laundry -- I hope it didn't go thru the washer!

Some people really, really need a pair of pliers to pull their underwear out of their ass!!!

2008-07-10T15:30:00.000-07:00

Build a Wiffle Ball Field and Lawyers Will Come

By PETER APPLEBOME
Published: July 10, 2008

GREENWICH, Conn.

Vincent Provenzano, 16 years old, experienced his Kevin Costner moment one Sunday afternoon in May after a thrilling day of Wiffle ball in a friend’s backyard. He came home, gazed at a field of weeds, brush and poison ivy in an empty lot off Riverside Lane, turned to his friend Justin Currytto, 17, and proclaimed: “If we build it, they will come.”

After three weeks of clearing brush and poison ivy, scrounging up plywood and green paint, digging holes and pouring concrete, Vincent, Justin and about a dozen friends did manage to build it — a tree-shaded Wiffle ball version of Fenway Park complete with a 12-foot-tall green monster in center field, American flag by the left-field foul pole and colorful signs for Taco Bell Frutista Freezes.

But, alas, they had no idea just who would come — youthful Wiffle ball players, yes, but also angry neighbors and their lawyer, the police, the town nuisance officer and tree warden and other officials in all shapes and sizes. It turns out that one kid’s field of dreams is an adult’s dangerous nuisance, liability nightmare, inappropriate usurpation of green space, unpermitted special use or drag on property values, and their Wiffle-ball Fenway has become the talk of Greenwich and a suburban Rorschach test about youthful summers past and present.

“People can remember how much fun it was to go out in the woods in the summer, build a fort, do something fun and creative, so there’s something pretty cool in what these kids did, especially at a time kids grow up in such an incredibly structured and stressful environment,” said Lin Lavery, one of three Greenwich selectmen, who inherited Wifflegate while the first selectman, Greenwich’s version of mayor, is on vacation.

“But we have a situation that’s escalated,” Ms. Lavery said. “Neighbors are upset that it’s too close to their property; building has been done on town property; there are issues of traffic and drainage. We’re hoping to come up with a compromise, but there are a lot of issues to address.”

There’s plenty of local history in Wiffle ball (it was invented up the road in Fairfield) and Greenwich land-use disputes (where to start?), but Vincent and Justin say they just wanted a place to play Wiffle ball. They got materials from a friend’s basement plus two big pieces of plywood being thrown away by a Shell station on East Putnam Avenue. They fished pallets out of Dumpsters and spent perhaps $200, mostly on green paint.

But even before they were finished, things began to get complicated. They were told the neighbors had complained, the field was on town-owned land, they needed a permit to put up their field and it would probably have to come down.

This being Greenwich, they decided not to go quietly. They and/or parents alerted the local newspaper and politicians up to Lt. Gov. Michael Fedele of nearby Stamford. Soon they had everyone in town talking about it, with most of them seemingly put off by the notion that even a Wiffle ball field needs to enlist the armies of adult supervision and legalistic oversight.

“BACK before we lost our collective minds and began shrieking with horror at the thought of kids having fun on their own (as in not part of an official league or otherwise organized activity), they used to do things like find a vacant field, turn it into a makeshift diamond and spend glorious hours in the summer sun,” the local newspaper, Greenwich Time, wrote in an editorial in support of the youths on Wednesday.

The regular players, mostly high school boys but including Tara Currivan, 15 (who swings a mean bat and brings lemonade to the field), and Scott Atkinson, 13, seem a little befuddled by the whole thing. “They think we’re a cult,” said Jeff Currivan, 17. “People think we should be home playing ‘Grand Theft Auto.’ ”

And they seem to get the fact that many adults are taken with the idea of kids’ doing something that’s not structured, not organized and not oriented toward improving your SAT scores.

“It’s just old-fashioned fun,” said Vincent Provenzano. “We did it on our own. Maybe people think that’s unusual.”

We’d all like our own Field of Dreams, but it’s worth remembering that Mr. Costner’s was in an Iowa cornfield. And, with all due nostalgia for simpler childhoods in simpler times, it’s possible Greenwich’s Wiffle version — on a lot valued at $1.25 million, according to the Greenwich newspaper — was too good to be true.

The neighbors, one an ultra-endurance athlete who does charity work around the globe, another building a house to accommodate her brother, who uses a wheelchair, turn out to be not that much different from most suburbanites seeing their backyard go from their own to a quasi park full of teenagers from near and far. They say that the land floods and that the area was designated by the town as a drainage area, a function largely undone when the youths stripped away all the greenery and undergrowth. The complaining neighbors want the field closed immediately.

The field had 40 people last weekend for a Wiffle tournament, which is something no one bargained on when they bought their houses.

“I’m all for Wiffle ball and apple pie and baseball and the American flag, but there are plenty of fields in town they can use instead of building something in people’s backyard,” said Liz Pate, who is building a new house behind what’s now home plate. “If I come home at 6 at night after working all day, I want peace and quiet. I can’t have that. I have dozens of people behind my house playing Wiffle ball. If their parents think this is so great, let them play at their house.”

The liability panic is adult nuttiness except when it’s not. It’s a fairly raw issue in Greenwich, where, for instance, a doctor was awarded $6.3 million a few years back when he broke his leg in two places while sledding with his 4-year-old son.

All kids deserve a Huck Finn summer. We perhaps have lost our collective minds about our overscheduled, overstressed young. But, in the end, maybe there was a reason that Kevin Costner built that Field of Dreams in Iowa and not in Greenwich.

Ups and downs...

2008-07-01T10:15:00.000-07:00

This is a very strange time in my life. Most importantly for me I have found the woman of my dreams and am very much in love. The time we spend together is nothing short of phenomenal, and we pretty much ache for each other when we are apart.

I am losing weight, and am starting to see a physical difference in my appearance. I will continue to work on this and see if I can get back to this (said dripping with sarcasm):

One of my oldest friends John Thompson and his wife Heather had twin boys on June 23. They are incredibly tiny little guys working hard right now. You can keep up with their progress by checking out The Life and Times of Tyler and Parker Thompson.

At the same time, another of my oldest friends and his wife, Gary and Cassie Campanale, are expecting twin girls in the next several weeks. To top off all of that, yet another old friend and his wife, Tony and Laura Peck, are expecting a little girl in the near future. When I say these are my old friends, these are also some of my closest friends and I have known them continually since high school. Congratulations to all of them!

Amidst all of this, there is the sadness of the loss of Ken's Dad. Ken's personal struggles are a source of concern for me and I am trying to keep him positive and help move his life into a new, positive, and happier direction.

I have a sore toe.

Yesterday is History, Tomorrow is a Mystery,
and Today is a gift.
That's why we call it the Present.

by Eugénie des Alpages

They need our help!

2008-06-12T11:30:00.000-07:00

When you have known someone longer than you haven't known them,

2008-06-05T22:22:00.000-07:00

it is easy at times to get on each other's nerves. The big picture of what's going on in each other's life can be overlooked as an individual item of interest becomes the proverbial pea under the Princess' mattress, causing bickering and arguing and exclamations of hatred, all thrown out in a moment of unintended fury.

Such is my relationship with my best friend. I met him my Junior year of high school and we have been very close ever since. Now we don't always get along, and there are times when in my opinion I find his reasonings and rationale to be very... well... flawed, for lack of a better word. He has idiosyncrasies and mannerisms that I find just strange, and we have arguments and debates I simply just don't have with anyone else - debates which to the uninitiated would seem just downright weird. But through it all we have been friends for over 25 years, and I would take a bullet for him without thought or reservation.

I don't think that I have ever told him, but I really do have a tremendous amount of respect for him. When most of us hit our early twenties and decided to move out into the world to pursue our dreams, he chose to stay at home and look after his elderly parents, his income combined with theirs keeping them living a comfortable lifestyle beyond the limits of Social Security alone, with very little assistance from other members of his family. As the years progressed, this eventually became in itself a full time job, and I mean that in a very literal sense of the word. Over the past decade or so, the requirements became so intense he needed to place his mother in a nursing home as her needs were beyond what he was capable of while still caring for his dad.

Most of us work a 9-5 job, or a variation thereof, and at the end of the day we can leave our work behind, with a weekend conveniently thrown in every 5 days just to keep us mentally healthy. What would you do if your job required you to be on call 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, with not a single soul to give you any respite; no vacation; no sick leave; and the knowledge that even if someone were to offer assistance, they would probably do it wrong? Could you do it? WOULD you do it? I know I wouldn't. But very simply, that is what he did -- for years.

This week his father passed away, 2 months shy of his 100th birthday. The last couple of years saw a serious decline in his health, and ever more responsibility by my friend. The stress of this burden permeated even when he would do his best not to show it. I miss the father who used to always make me laugh, was an avid Kings fan, and a lover of working outdoors. His passing is sad, but it removes the dark cloud from over the head of my friend. He can now strive for his dreams without worrying about his parents' wellbeing, and can enjoy himself without the guilt of "leaving them home alone". This is the blessing that comes out of the sadness.

To Ken R., I am glad to know you and I am incredibly honored to call you my friend and brother.

How long is long enough?

2008-05-28T14:38:00.001-07:00

I have "officially" been seeing Kelli now since April 9, approaching two months. But when I talk about my feelings for her, the term "Love" rolls off the tongue, but I haven't expressed as much to my other friends. Why? I am pretty sure I would get the typical "but you just met, how can you possibly be in love" response. But that's not the case at all.

Kelli and I have been talking over the phone and using chat for close to a year, and started to become really close since October. I don't know of any other relationship I have ever had where I can talk to the person for 5 hours at a time without looking for some excuse to hang up.

So it's very simple: she's "the one" for me, and I am going to do my damn level best to make sure this is a lifetime kinda' deal, because I am not planning on letting her go.

Yeah, that's me - the Slacker!

2008-05-07T16:02:00.000-07:00

Sorry faithful readers, if indeed there are any of you left, for not being the responsible blogger I should be. I will endeavor to try much harder to keep you updated on what I find blogworthy.

So -- IronMan and Speed Racer. My opinion? HOLY COW!!! Iron Man really is fantastic, and RDJ (as I fondly call him) is great as Tony Stark. This movie has great crossover appeal to everyone - even those not familiar with the comic. Speed Racer on the other hand, though a lot of fun, is really aimed at fanboys and girls - meaning that it pays the highest tribute to the cartoon in its style, editing, and plethora of "Speedisms". John Goodman is great as "Pops" and Charlie... err Jack... err Mathew Fox really does nail down Racer X. To me, it was a supremely better version of what Warren Beatty was trying to do with Dick Tracy.

OK, this having a girlfriend thing is really cool. Everyone should try it sometime.

I just closed back to back shows on Sunday. Damn I need a break! It is going to be very nice having my weekends back for a change.

More to come soon! I am having "inspiration" problems...

Today's Guest Blogger - my Girlfriend Kelli

2008-04-22T12:28:00.000-07:00

What’s the deal with Roger & why I owe a debt of gratitude to Kathi, April & Kristen

Well, I'm getting lots and lots of emails asking about Roger, so here you go:

Roger and I have been "internet friends" for quite some time now. I actually came across him accidently. I was surfing around and found his (MySpace) profile. Now, ordinarily, I probably would have skimmed the profile and moved on except for one thing.... he had a picture up of himself with a huge gash on his head.

Well, me being the nosy broad that I am, I sent him a friend request and all but demanded to know what on earth he did to himself. We became good friends, exchanging emails and comments.

One day Roger made what I'd consider a bold move, and he sent me an email with his phone number. Since you all know me fairly well, you know that I have a tendency to be super cautious and do not give out my number or call people unless I know I can trust them.

Having said that, I thanked Roger for the number, but didn't call him. I had boundaries and I was determined to make him understand and respect them. And he did. He asked me to meet him once or twice, but was completely respectful of my reservations about meeting people from the internet.

Well one day I desperately needed a friend to talk to and my sister Kathi and my best friend April were unavailable. Somehow, some way, Roger convinced me to call him so I could cry on his shoulder and I did. And from that point on, we became exceptional friends.

He helped me through a very tough time (I had just been thoroughly and completely shit on by an exboyfriend). We spent many hours talking and laughing on the phone and did so for quite a few months. A few things here and there happened, we had a bit of a spat at one point, but somehow we managed to make our way back to being good friends.

BUT... and this is the big BUT... we still hadn't met in person. Wierd circumstances, bad timing, jumbled nerves about meeting a stranger from the net and an argument kept Roger at arm's length until a few weeks ago.

Without going into explicit details, one of Roger's good friends said something that pissed me off -- enough so that I did something so completely out of character that I'm still amazed that I did it when I reflect back on it today... I told Roger to get his ass over to my apartment. I told him where I lived, told him how to get here and even told him what parking spot to use.

From that point on, we've spent the last few weeks getting to know one another on a different level. He's taken me out on a few dates and they've been so much fun.

Roger treats me like a princess and makes me feel like a beauty queen. He's a gentleman and he's so sweet. And that is why when he asked me to be his girlfriend, I said "yes".

So there you have it.... That's the deal with Roger... There's more to our story, but some things are private and just between he and I. And if you really and truly want to get to know him, send that boy an email or a friend request (MySpace). Your life will be so much better for knowing him and having him as a friend.

This is her. Can you believe those eyes?!!!!

Sometimes you don't have to add anything for a laugh...

2008-04-17T12:02:00.001-07:00

This just in from my friend Lars...

2008-04-03T15:00:00.000-07:00

His latest blog entry deserves a great big AMEN!!!!

Don't forget about the 9/10ths...

2008-04-01T13:41:00.000-07:00

If I were to ask you what the current price of gas is, you might glance out your office window to the gas station across the street or remember what you saw as you drove into work - $97.18. But everyone forgets the 9/10th. So that means you are paying an extra ¢10 to ¢15 per fill up. Not a big deal, but think about how many cars that is in a day? Damn oil company is making even MORE money than even we thought they were...

Random thought - if the 10th commandment is "Thou Shalt Not Covet Thy Neighbor's Wife", then when God impregnated Mary wasn't he violating this law? Or, if Mary is his "daughter" in the religious sense, wouldn't that be incest? And Mary, isn't she guilty of Adultery? Hmmmm....

In case any of my faithful readers haven't been checking out MySpace, I bought myself a new digital camera as my Christmas Present. A Nikon D50, it truly is awesome! I have been a photo taking junkie since then. Here are a couple of my favorite shots:

On this one I performed some Photoshop magic:

I hope you like them.

Opening this Friday!

2008-03-31T15:45:00.000-07:00

Big Idea Theatre presents An Evening of Christopher Durang

April 4 thru May 4

Two absurd one-act comedies by the award-winning playwright, featuring
Jessica Lynn Berkey - Roger Clark - Christina Crapotta Beth Edwards - Shannon Mahoney - Gregory Smith
Directed by Ed Gyles Jr.

The Actor's Nightmare

A man has a dream about having to perform in Private Lives, Hamlet, Endgame, and A Man for All Seasons... with no rehearsals, no script, and no idea what he's doing.

Sister Mary Ignatius Explains It All For You

A cheerful and loony nun teaches you everything you need to know about religion, until a group of former students puts on a pageant making fun of Sister Mary. (This play contains mature subject matter.)

2 faces of Pixie

2008-03-27T01:22:00.000-07:00

So, Easter Sunday at my Sister's house Pixie made a new friend, Cheryl's black lab puppy named Cocoa. They spent the better part of the afternoon playing like crazy. Here is Pixie's normal countenance (can you see she's actually smiling?)

In the throes of wrestling however, the Devil Dog emerges -

If you want to see more pictures of this wrestling match, check out the "Views From the Canine World" photo album on my MySpace Page. Also you can check out the Easter pictures of the family, including a great flower picture my niece Amanda took with my camera - with Photoshop enhancing by yours truly.

I am in the final stages of rehearsal for my latest show, an Evening with Christopher Durang - two one act shows that are truly hysterical: The Actor's Nightmare & Sister Mary Ignacious Explains it All to Us. Those of you who are in a position to see it, please come and support your local theater and yours truly. It really will be an evening of great laughter. The link above tells you all you need to about location, times, dates, costs, etc...

I wish I could take credit for writing this...

2008-03-18T11:51:00.000-07:00

Exceedingly well done!

Don’t you forget about John Hughes
He’s back, sort of, with ‘Drillbit Taylor’; here’s hoping he stays

COMMENTARY
by Adam Wahlberg
MSNBC contributor
updated 12:51 p.m. PT, Mon., March. 17, 2008

“I bet you didn’t know Candace Cameron played the youngest sister?”

“Of course I knew that. Everyone knows that. Do you know who played the father?”

“Don’t mock me. John Ashton, Taggart from “Beverly Hills Cop,” the third finest bald character actor of all time. Can you tell me the name of Mary Stuart Masterson’s character?

“For the love of god. I mean really. You actually think I wouldn’t know Watts? What is the matter with you? I was Watts. Tell me, who did Scott Coffey play?”

“The fact that you would even ask me that is ... completely … insulting … and … uh ...”

Scott Coffey?

That was the moment I fell for Margie; when she stumped me in a “Some Kind of Wonderful” throwdown on our first date. (For those of you decaffeinated types like me, Coffey played Ray, the square-faced meathead who likes Watts).

Up until that point we had exchanged boilerplate get-to-know-you banter — “you have a sister? That’s amazing. So do I!” — but had yet to break through. Then somehow, lord knows how, we stumbled upon SKOW — one of Margie’s favorite acronyms — and boom, we were off. We became a couple for a while and it was great. All thanks to Hughes.

What ever happened to John Hughes?
And it got me thinking about him. Whatever happened to his career? Is he still writing movies? And how is it that a teen film of his from 1987 was able to bring together two lonely hearts in 2006?

So I went looking for an update. Didn’t find much. When it comes to interacting with the public, he’s gone the way of that other Hughes, Howard. He doesn’t give interviews and is content to live quietly with his family in Wisconsin.

One thing I did discover is that he has a story credit in a movie coming out on Friday, “Drillbit Taylor,” which is his first involvement in anything since 2003’s “Beethoven Fifth.” This one is back in his wheelhouse: high school nerds hire a bodyguard, played by Owen Wilson, to protect them from bullies. He didn’t write the final script — Kristofor Brown and Seth Rogen did — but still, it’s John Hughes and bullies. I’m there.

It’s high time that Hughes career is re-evaluated. Putting aside his teen movies for a minute, just consider his straight comedies: the “Vacation” series, the “Home Alone” series, “Mr. Mom,” “Planes, Trains & Automobiles,” “Uncle Buck.” That’s a lot of good stuff. (He also wrote a lot of crap — see: “Beethoven” I through V — but he succeeded more than he failed.)

But now add in his stunning achievement from 1984 to 1987. In those four years he wrote and often directed not one, not two, but six smart, poignant teen films — “Sixteen Candles,” “The Breakfast Club,” “Weird Science,” “Pretty In Pink,” “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off,” “Some Kind of Wonderful” — five of which are pretty good (sorry, Kelly LeBrock) and three that have made a deep impact in our culture (“Club,” “Pink” and “Ferris”).

Is it me or does that get more impressive every year? I can’t think of another filmmaker who ever caught fire like that within a genre and within a compressed amount of time? Woody Allen maybe, in his “Annie Hall” and “Manhattan” days. That’s about it. And we don’t exactly put Hughes on Allen’s level, do we? Allen has received 141 nominations from major film organizations for his work; Hughes has received one: in 1991, producer of the year by the ShoWest Convention. Talk about home alone.

Formula movies, memorable characters
Granted, his movies mostly do tend to follow a formula: weirdos feel weird, girl likes boy, boy likes girl, parents are lame, rich people suck. But where he excelled was in creating lasting characters: Ferris, Farmer Ted, Duckie, Blane, Andie, Miss Amanda Jones, Cameron, Chet. If one measure of art is the level in which it stays with us, Hughes’ characters hold up.

Hughes never accepted the limitation that important drama couldn’t be told about adolescents. He tells Kevin Bacon in an extra released on the “Wonderful” DVD, “I’m just really true to those feelings. Amidst all your problems to have someone say, ‘When will you be home for dinner?’ Or not being given credit for the scope of the problem. ‘In three years you’ll laugh about it.’ Well, you’re not laughing about it now.”

Exactly.

Think of the transcendent moments he’s delivered: Estavez’s Andy expressing deep remorse over taping Larry Long’s buns together; Ringwald’s Andie feeling shame about her house and refusing to let Blane see it; Ruck’s Cameron deciding to literally put his foot down and kick his dad’s Ferrari in Ferris. That’s the scene that still gets me. Alan Ruck’s triple chest pound to punctuate the words “never say anything” is as charged and shocking as the best work of Pacino, and I’ll stand on David Denby’s coffee table and say that.

You want another measure of Hughes’ achievement? How many thoughtful teen films have come out since he stopped making them? I can count four, and that’s generous: “Heathers,” “American Pie,” “Superbad,” “Juno.” And is anyone going to be arguing over the credits of “Superbad” in 20 years?

I don’t know if he has more teen stories to tell, or any stories for that matter. But if he wants to grab his Trapper Keeper and tell us what Farmer Ted or Cameron or Blane, or guys like them, guys like me, are up to, I’ll show up.

He deserves to be thought of as not just the maker of nice, lightweight comedies from the ’80s, but the maker of some of the best movies of the ’80s. In the simplest terms, in the most convenient of definitions, I’ve always considered him cinema’s equivalent to Brian Wilson, the pop genius who once called his music a “teenager symphony to God.” I can’t think of a better definition of Hughes’ hugely influential ’80s movies than that.

Adam Wahlberg thinks this essay has been “very hot! very hot!” He is the executive editor of Minnesota Law & Politics (“Only Our Name Is Boring”). You can reach him at redshoes32@earthlink.net.

OK, how many jokes are there...

2008-03-13T13:17:00.000-07:00

for this story I found on MSNBC -

Woman sits on boyfriend's toilet for 2 years
Girlfriend was physically stuck to the seat — her skin had grown around it

Associated Press, updated 12:05 p.m. PT, Wed., March. 12, 2008

NESS CITY, Kan. - Deputies said a woman in western Kansas sat on her boyfriend's toilet for two years, and they're investigating whether she was mistreated.

Ness County Sheriff Bryan Whipple said a man called his office last month to report that something was wrong with his girlfriend.

Whipple said it appeared the 35-year-old Ness City woman’s skin had grown around the seat. She initially refused emergency medical services but was finally convinced by responders and her boyfriend that she needed to be checked out at a hospital.

“We pried the toilet seat off with a pry bar and the seat went with her to the hospital,” Whipple said. “The hospital removed it.”

Whipple said investigators planned to present their report Wednesday to the county attorney, who will determine whether any charges should be filed against the woman's 36-year-old boyfriend.

“She was not glued. She was not tied. She was just physically stuck by her body,” Whipple said. “It is hard to imagine. ... I still have a hard time imagining it myself.”

He told investigators he brought his girlfriend food and water, and asked her every day to come out of the bathroom.

“And her reply would be, ‘Maybe tomorrow,”’ Whipple said. “According to him, she did not want to leave the bathroom.”

The boyfriend called police on Feb. 27 to report that “there was something wrong with his girlfriend,” Whipple said, adding that he never explained why it took him two years to call.

Police found the clothed woman sitting on the toilet, her sweat pants down to her mid-thigh. She was “somewhat disoriented,” and her legs looked like they had atrophied, Whipple said.

“She said that she didn’t need any help, that she was OK and did not want to leave,” he said.

She was taken to a hospital in Wichita, about 150 miles southeast of Ness City. Whipple said she has refused to cooperate with medical providers or law enforcement investigators.

Authorities said they did not know if she was mentally or physically disabled....

In case you wanted to know who was better...

2008-03-11T16:20:00.001-07:00

Animal or Buddy Rich:

Today's Chuckle...

2008-03-11T00:40:00.001-07:00

Thanks Rob!

I found this really interesting...

2008-03-10T16:21:00.000-07:00

Thanks Paul.

Read this article on someone without a clue...

OK faithful readers, help me out...

2008-02-29T15:44:00.000-08:00

I was sent this by a friend of mine. I know what I see, and I can't change the direction. What do you see?

The Right Brain vs Left Brain test ... do you see the dancer turning clockwise or anti-clockwise (counter-clockwise for us Americans)?

If clockwise, then you use more of the right side of the brain and vice versa.

Most of us would see the dancer turning anti-clockwise though you can try to focus and change the direction; see if you can do it.

LEFT BRAIN FUNCTIONS
uses logic
detail oriented
facts rule
words and language
present and past
math and science
can comprehend
knowing
acknowledges
order/pattern perception
knows object name
reality based
forms strategies
practical
safe

RIGHT BRAIN FUNCTIONS
uses feeling
"big picture" oriented
imagination rules
symbols and images
present and future
philosophy & religion
can "get it" (i.e. meaning)
believes
appreciates
spatial perception
knows object function
fantasy based
presents possibilities
impetuous
risk taking

- click to see the animation -

I was driving to work

2008-02-28T12:38:00.000-08:00

earlier this week and was listening to newstalk radio as is my habit, and a story comes on about a new Emergency Alert system being tested and implemented at UC Davis - one of those lockdown the school kind of systems.

Unfortunately, we need systems like these because we have stupid people in the world. There has been a lot of talk about systems involving email and text messaging and the costs required to implement these alert systems. But almost immediately the thought occurred to me - Why are we re-inventing the wheel? I say we simply use a slightly modified version of air raid/tornado sirens. When I was kid living in Nebraska, if the siren went off that meant there was a Tornado warning, please take appropriate action. You could place 3 of those sirens equally spaced across a campus to alert EVERYBODY that idiots with guns are onsite. If you are worried about it being confused with another siren (tornado, for example), use a pulsing or burst siren instead of a steady one. Doesn't this sound like a very cost effective way to notify people quickly? If you are concerned about hearing impaired individuals, marry the system with some kind of flashing lights....

Just a thought.

The Review is in...

2008-02-18T01:44:00.000-08:00

And "The Nerd" gets a rave!

Big Idea Theatre has fun with 'The Nerd'
By Jim Carnes - jcarnes@sacbee.com
3 stars

Published 12:00 am PST Monday, February 18, 2008
Story appeared in the Sacramento Bee SCENE section, Page E3

Larry Shue's comedy "The Nerd" seems tailor-made to the small stage at the Big Idea Theatre on Del Paso Boulevard – and to the comic talents of Kirk Blackinton, who plays Rick Steadman, the nerd of the title.

Blackinton is a combination of Howie Mandel and Jerry Lewis as he twists his face and his limbs, brays and spews various foods and drinks in a grossly hilarious, gradually (intentionally) grating performance. Steadman is the kind of guy who gives lie to the old saying about company being like fish, beginning to smell after three days.

Shue was an actor (he appeared on TV in "One Life to Live" and in the film "Sweet Liberty") and a playwright; he died in a commuter plane crash in 1985, after completing just two full-length plays, "The Nerd," which premiered in 1981, and "The Foreigner," which debuted in 1983. Neither play won any major prizes, although both have become staples of community theater.

"The Nerd" takes place at an indeterminate time in the 1980s. Willum Cubbert (played in the world premiere by Shue, on Broadway by Mark Hamill, and here by the very clever Christian St. Croix) is an aspiring young architect in Terre Haute, Ind., who appears to have it all – a promising career, good friends and a special girlfriend, Tansy (played by Jessica Lynn Berkey).

At a dinner party celebrating his 34th birthday, Willum gets a surprise visit from Rick Steadman, a man he's never met but who saved his life when he was wounded and unconscious in Vietnam many years before.

A grateful Willum had written to Steadman, after both had returned to the States from the war, that as long as he was alive, "You will have somebody on Earth who will do anything for you."

Steadman decides to take Willum up on the offer, and thinking he's attending a costume party, shows up in a skeleton outfit. Lacking in social graces as he is, he proceeds to make fun of the other attendees' outfits: "businessman," "ugly old teacher," etc.

First the party disintegrates; then Willum's life follows suit.

After a series of nightmarish incidents all involving the annoying "friend," Willum decides maybe his life wasn't worth the promised devotion to his savior. With the help of his good friend, sarcastic drama critic Axel Hammond (Melissa Rae Frago, who co-starred with Blackinton in "The Colorado Catechism" at this same theater), he schemes to "out-nerd" the nerd. It culminates in an ending that is both satisfying and surprising.

Director C.L. Houts rightly emphasizes Blackinton's role as Rick – clearly the best-written part, and perfectly cast. She also gets plenty of mileage out of Roger Clark as Warnock Waldgrave, the hotel builder who has employed Willum to design his latest residence hall. Clark is big and burly and wonderfully blustery, particularly in a party scene in which Rick has everyone barefoot and with bags over their heads, to play a game called "shoesandsocks!"

As Clelia Waldgrave, Warnock's wife, Deborah Forester portrays a mostly one-note character, but Forester makes the most of Clelia's one wacky eccentricity. Emma Forester plays Helena Waldgrave, the couple's bratty little daughter. (The part originally was written as Thor Waldgrave, to be played by a young male. The cast list includes Dillon Lammers in that role, but there is no indication when he performs.)

WHEN: Continues through March 16 with performances at 8 p.m. Fridays and Saturdays, 2:30 p.m. March 2, 9 and 16 and 7:30 p.m. March 13.
WHERE: Big Idea Theatre, 1616 Del Paso Blvd.
TIME: Approximately 2 1/2 hours, including intermission
TICKETS: $15 general
INFORMATION: (818) 416-0093, www.bigideatheatre.com

Wait... what?

2008-02-14T12:16:00.001-08:00

OK, I was a kid once... once. I was about 10 when my friends and I built a ramp for jumping with our bikes. Now this was back in the old days before BMX when all you had was a Schwinn -

As you can see by the solid construction these bikes were obviously designed for jumping over things. At one point I think I permanently absconded with Dad's 9/16" wrench for maintenance purposes.

The ramp was a marvel of 10-year-old engineering genius, and we spent many an hour jumping over - well nothing - and having a blast. Distance was key, so a good three or four foot jump was impressive. Then one of us (I don't remember who) finally hit the motherload of ideas:

My family lived in base housing on Offutt AFB in Bellevue Nebraska, right outside of Omaha. Now across the street from us was a lawn/hill about twenty feet wide between two houses. The houses were built such that the back door was actually on the 2nd floor (the top of the hill) and the front was at the bottom. This was a great sledding hill in the winter even if it was a little short. So, since we were having problems getting up great "jumping" speed on our bikes, we decided to place the ramp at the bottom of the hill. Facing the street.

Guess who was first?

I remember getting great speed and hitting the ramp with the grace of a practiced pro, pulling up on the handlebars just as the front tire was about to leave the ramp. I must have been amped with a little adrenaline as I pulled the bike into an almost perfect vertical position. I was well and truly airborne. I managed to keep my feet on the pedals and pushed the front end down ever so slightly before my back tire hit the ground - seemed like I flew twenty feet but was in reality maybe eight to ten. I rode the wheelie across the sidewalk, off the curb into the street, across the street, up the curb (rounded thankfully), across the sidewalk and onto the lawn on the side of my house. I managed to get the front end down and stopped without dying. It was the perfect jump!

So, we positioned a ramp at the bottom of a hill (where we were able to obtain dangerous speeds) pointed directly at the street, the only protection we wore in those days was Toughskin Jeans! Helmets? For wusses! That was us being stupid kids.

This from MSNBC -

Government health officials warned Thursday that a dangerous choking game has killed at least 82 thrill-seeking youngsters in the past dozen years, the first-ever attempt to quantify the underground practice.

Known also as “the blackout game,” “the scarf game” and “space monkey,” the self-induced strangulation claimed mostly pre-teen and teenage boys who used their hands, or, more often, belts, bungee cords or dog leashes to achieve a woozy high technically known as cerebral hypoxia.

Cerebral hypoxia? Are you kidding me? What part of this sounds like a good idea?

So...

2008-02-14T12:11:00.001-08:00

The US has a broken spy satellite, and it has been decided that we are going to shoot it down before it crashes back to earth. Maybe someone can answer this question for me: Since we can use the shuttle to deploy satellites, why can't we use it to retrieve one? I'm not saying it would be easy - "While you're out, just stop by and grab the broken satellite will ya'?" - But couldn't it be done?

Now this I found interesting.

2008-02-14T11:49:00.000-08:00

Each piece of artwork is created with a single sheet of paper! The artist is Peter Callesen from Denmark.
Here is a sample -

File this under "Aaaaawwwww..."

2008-02-11T15:31:00.000-08:00

I don't care how tough you think you are, this little guy would get you talking to him in puppy-speak!

Here are a couple more pictures:

Today's chuckle...

2008-02-08T15:29:00.000-08:00

Thanks Kelli.

When I was a baby, someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift and it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea,' which was just water.

After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch his little princess bring him a cup of tea, because it was, "just the cutest thing!"

My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up, then says, "Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet???"

Today's Chuckle...

2008-02-07T09:29:00.000-08:00

Thanks Kristin!

Calmness in Our Lives

I am passing this on to you because it definitely works, and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace.

Dr Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished." So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a bottle of Kalhula, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos and a box of chocolates. You have no idea how freaking good I feel right now.

Today's chuckle...

2008-02-05T14:26:00.000-08:00

Cue strikes again!

You might be a Redneck if...

ST. AUGUSTINE, FL -- Investigators say a woman accused of drunk driving had a case of beer buckled up safely, and a one year old girl sitting in the backseat without a seatbelt or car seat.

On Super Bowl Sunday, a deputy saw a car drive through a red light and swerve back and forth over the center lane on U.S. 1 South.

The deputy stopped the car.

Investigators say the woman, who identified herself as Tina Williams, smelled of alcohol.

According to the report, Williams told the deputy she never had a license and was running out of gas.

The deputy saw a case of Busch beer in the front seat with a seat belt around it, and a baby girl in the backseat.

When asked why the girl wasn't restrained, Williams reportedly told the officer, "I don't know."

Williams told the deputy she had a few drinks. Authorities say she staggered when she got out of her car.

The deputy arrested her for DUI after she failed a field sobriety test.

Authorities also found two silver metal pipes in her purse.

Williams faces charges of driving under the influence, child endangerment, driving without a valid license running a red light and not having a seatbelt or child restraint.

Today's chuckle...Hell, this is Laugh Out Loud Funny!

2008-02-04T12:08:00.000-08:00

Not safe for work (language), but definitely damn funny!

Today's Chuckle...

2008-02-02T08:15:00.000-08:00

Interesting that in the first two it's the Bachelor who gets slammed...

Today's chuckle...

2008-01-31T16:48:00.000-08:00

Thanks Jennifer.

The Purina Diet

I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for my daughter's dog and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.......Duh!

I was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, I told her no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.

Her eyes about bugged out of her head. I went on and on with the bogus diet story and she was totally buying it. I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it works is to load your pockets or purse with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry.

The package said the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her. Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and was that why I ended up in the hospital.

I said no.....I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt when a car hit me.

I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door.

Today's chuckle...

2008-01-30T08:34:00.000-08:00

Thanks Cue.

The Haircut

One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies,'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The cop is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies,'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The professor is very happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen different books, such as 'How to Improve Your Business' and 'Becoming More Successful.'

Then, a Congressman comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies,'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Congressman is very happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

ROCK IT!!!

2008-01-28T14:17:00.000-08:00

This girl kicks some serious Rock Ass! After this performance, note the thunderous applause!

Amazing Young Organ Player Rocks Out - Watch more free videos

Today's chuckle...part 2

2008-01-24T14:11:00.000-08:00

Thanks again to Kristin. May not be new to everyone, but I laughed out loud so it's blogged!

Ten Peeves That Dogs Have About Humans

'1'
Blaming your farts on me... not funny... not funny at all !!!
--------------------------------------------
'2'
Yelling at me for barking.
'M A FRIGGIN' DOG, YOU IDIOT!

--------------------------------------------
'3'
Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out.
Exactly whose walk is this anyway?

--------------------------------------------
'4'
Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose.
Stop it!

--------------------------------------------
'5'
Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons.
Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.

--------------------------------------------------
'6'
The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw.
You fooled a dog! Whoooo Hoooooooo what a proud moment for the top of the food chain.

-------------------------------------------
'7'
Taking me to the vet for 'the big snip', then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back!

--------------------------------------------
'8'
Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests.
Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.

--------------------------------------------------
'9'
Dog sweaters. Hello ???
Haven't you noticed the fur?

--------------------------------------------
'10'
How you act disgusted when I lick myself.
Look, we both know the truth. You're just jealous.

-------------------------------------------
Now lay off me on some of these things.
We both know who's boss here!
You don't see me picking up your poop do you?
EVERY DOG HAS HIS DAY.
A DOG ALWAYS OFFERS UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.
CATS HAVE TO THINK ABOUT IT!

Today's Chuckle...

2008-01-24T08:19:00.000-08:00

This guy Bo Burnham has some pretty funny songs on Youtube... I laughed pretty hard at this one.

Today's chuckle...

2008-01-22T09:06:00.000-08:00

Thanks Andee.

Why Sentence Structure Is So Important

The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin. The boss approached her and said: "Debra, I've never done this before but I either have to lay you or Jack off."

"Could you jack off?" she says. "I feel like crap."

News from the canine world - January 17, 2008

2008-01-17T20:34:00.000-08:00

I love duck shit... more importantly I like to roll in duck shit. No really, the fresher the better. The big guy took me to the park after he got home today and I started to run around when I saw it - fresh and still moist. I couldn't wait to burrow my right cheek and side right into it - it was pure heaven! Then the big guy gets all over my case! I don't get it! He yells at me, tries to "correct" me (yeah, like THAT'S going to work), and then heads back towards the car! I'm following him when I find - wait for it - a SECOND pile! I thought I had died and gone to heaven! Before the big guy could stop me, I got the left cheek and side!

I almost died. I thought the big guy was going to kill me... or that he was going to fall over dead himself... Seriously, I never knew his face could get that shade of crimson!

I don't know why he was so pissed about it... I LIKED the smell! So he drives home like a maniac, then - get this - picks me up and puts me in the tub! Gotta say tho, that Pert Plus makes my fur SOFT (the big guy was mumbling something about not having any dog shampoo - Hell, I'm surprised he even has people shampoo. Have you seen his bald head?)!

Afterward, he does his best to dry me off with a towel then has to borrow a blow dryer (baldie!) from his neighbor and I am forced to stand there and let him dry me... I wasn't too happy about that.

My revenge? Yeah, I got mine! Apparently I managed to clog his tub so bad he had to call one of those plumber guys... $150!

So I am thinking the moral of this story is - When I find the duck shit, you better get me quick or it's gonna cost ya!

One of the perks of being an actor/singer/musician

2008-01-17T12:19:00.001-08:00

...is that I get to meet some truly incredible people. This is my friend Ashley. Not only is she truly gorgeous and amazingly sweet, but one day soon she will be blowing up the record charts.

Mr. Swords could've taught the Landlord's Niece a few things...

2008-01-16T15:53:00.000-08:00

Waitress gets $50,000, car from cranky Texan
‘I still can't believe it,’ Luby's cafeteria worker says of bequest

Associated Press updated 6:37 p.m. PT, Fri., Dec. 28, 2007

BROWNSVILLE, Texas - For nearly seven years Melina Salazar did her best to put on a smile and tend to the every need of her most loyal and cantankerous customer.

She made sure his food was as hot as he wanted, even if it meant he burned his mouth. And she smiled through his demands and curses. The 89-year-old Walter "Buck" Swords obviously appreciated it, leaving the waitress $50,000 and a 2000 Buick when he died.

"I still can't believe it," the Luby's cafeteria employee told Harlingen television station KGBT-TV in an interview during which she described Swords as "kind of mean."

Swords, a World War II veteran, died in July. But Salazar learned just a few days before Christmas that he had left her the money and car.

Man, won't I feel like a heel if I ever again leave only a 15% tip.

Hell, I give the waitress at least 15% for bringing me a Diet Coke...

2008-01-16T15:40:00.000-08:00

Fast-food worker returns $185,000 check
McDonald's employee returns check to bank after finding it on sidewalk

Associated Press updated 5:30 a.m. PT, Wed., Jan. 2, 2008

NORWICH, Connecticut - Reggie Damone just wanted to jot down a phone number when he picked up what he thought was litter on a sidewalk this week. But what he found was an envelope containing a $185,000 check.

Damone, who receives government-issued food stamps for low-income workers and works at a McDonald's fast food restaurant, said he did not think twice about trying to cash it. Instead, the 47-year-old took a bus Monday from his Jewett City home to a bank and returned the check to the niece of the landlord to whom the check was written.

She thanked Damone with a $50 bill.

$50 against $185,000? C'mon! Now I know it was simply a check which Mr. Damone probably wouldn't have been able to cash anyway, and the check owner could've put a stop payment on it and simply have it re-issued. But I would like to believe were I the owner of the check I could do better than $50 - $100 maybe?

I also don't know the financial situation of the check owner - sure the check was for $185,000 but they might have owed $250,000. It just somehow seems off to me.

No one had a Razr handy?

2008-01-16T15:32:00.000-08:00

Dozens in Texas town report seeing UFO
Large silent object with bright lights was flying low and fast

By Angela K. Brown
Associated Press updated 5:51 p.m. PT, Mon., Jan. 14, 2008

STEPHENVILLE, Texas - In this farming community where nightfall usually brings clear, starry skies, residents are abuzz over reported sightings of what many believe is a UFO.

Several dozen people — including a pilot, county constable and business owners — insist they have seen a large silent object with bright lights flying low and fast. Some reported seeing fighter jets chasing it.

"People wonder what in the world it is because this is the Bible Belt, and everyone is afraid it's the end of times," said Steve Allen, a freight company owner and pilot who said the object he saw last week was a mile long and half a mile wide. "It was positively, absolutely nothing from these parts."

While federal officials insist there's a logical explanation, locals swear that it was larger, quieter, faster and lower to the ground than an airplane. They also said the object's lights changed configuration, unlike those of a plane. People in several towns who reported seeing it over several weeks have offered similar descriptions of the object.

Machinist Ricky Sorrells said friends made fun of him when he told them he saw a flat, metallic object hovering about 300 feet over a pasture behind his Dublin home. But he decided to come forward after reading similar accounts in the Stephenville Empire-Tribune.

"You hear about big bass or big buck in the area, but this is a different deal," Sorrells said. "It feels good to hear that other people saw something, because that means I'm not crazy."

Sorrells said he has seen the object several times. He said he watched it through his rifle's telescopic lens and described it as very large and without seams, nuts or bolts.

Maj. Karl Lewis, a spokesman for the 301st Fighter Wing at the Joint Reserve Base Naval Air Station in Fort Worth, said no F-16s or other aircraft from his base were in the area the night of Jan. 8, when most people reported the sighting.

Lewis said the object may have been an illusion caused by two commercial airplanes. Lights from the aircraft would seem unusually bright and may appear orange from the setting sun.

"I'm 90 percent sure this was an airliner," Lewis said. "With the sun's angle, it can play tricks on you."

Officials at the region's two Air Force bases — Dyess in Abilene and Sheppard in Wichita Falls — also said none of their aircraft were in the area last week. The Air Force no longer investigates UFOs.

One man has offered a reward for a photograph or videotape of the mysterious object.

About 200 UFO sightings are reported each month, mostly in California, Colorado and Texas, according to the Mutual UFO Network, which plans to go to the 17,000-resident town of Stephenville to investigate.

Fourteen percent of Americans polled last year by The Associated Press and Ipsos say they have seen a UFO.

Erath County Constable Lee Roy Gaitan said that he first saw red glowing lights and then white flashing lights moving fast, but that even with binoculars could not see the object to which the lights were attached.

"I didn't see a flying saucer and I don't know what it was, but it wasn't an airplane, and I've never seen anything like it," Gaitan said. "I think it must be some kind of military craft — at least I hope it was."

According to my research, more than 60% of US mobile phone users have camera functionality in their phones in 2007, up from about 40% in 2006. In-Stat predicts more than 1 bln camera phones will be in use by year-end 2007. How in the hell did not one person have one handy? If Lindsay Lohan scratches her ass there are approximately 327 photographs of it on the Internet within minutes, but no one can take a picture of a UFO? Weird.

A shot in the dark - great aim!

2008-01-16T15:13:00.000-08:00

Police: Man shoots self in groin during robbery
Incident occurs as man was robbing a convenience store, police say

Associated Press updated 6:28 a.m. PT, Wed., Jan. 16, 2008

KOKOMO, Ind. - Oh, shoot! A man accidentally shot himself in the groin as he was robbing a convenience store Tuesday, police said.

A clerk told police a man carrying a semiautomatic handgun entered the Village Pantry demanding cash and a pack of cigarettes. The clerk put the cash in a bag and as she turned to get the cigarettes, she heard the gun discharge.

Police say surveillance video shows the man shooting himself as he placed the gun in the waistband of his pants. The clerk wasn't injured.

A short time later, police found 25-year-old Derrick Kosch at a home with a gunshot wound to his right testicle and lower left leg.

Kosch was released from the hospital Tuesday and booked into the Howard County jail on a charge of armed robbery, criminal recklessness and battery. He is being held on a $100,000 cash bail. A jail official did not know if he had retained an attorney Wednesday.

Criminal recklessness... was he charged for a self-inflicted gunshot wound? That's what I call reckless. So remember kiddies, when sticking a gun down your pants keep your finger off the frickin' trigger!

3 Strikes... 33 times!

2008-01-16T15:08:00.000-08:00

Man arrested for 99th time
Jan. 16: Cedric McCants, a New York man police call a serial burglar, has just been arrested for the 99th time. He's been jailed 15 times and his longest jail stint was four years.

OK, somebody here is not getting the picture. I would definitely consider removing one of his hands at the wrist - old school punishment! How many more strikes do you give this guy? Ah hell, go for an even 100 - "If I told you once I told you a hundred times...."

Moon River - a story.

2008-01-16T15:00:00.000-08:00

Man sues hospital after unwanted rectal exam
'Please don't do that,' he claims he said to staff who held him down

Associated Press updated 8:54 a.m. PT, Wed., Jan. 16, 2008

NEW YORK - A construction worker claimed in a lawsuit claiming that when he went to a hospital after being hit on the forehead by a falling wooden beam, emergency room staffers forcibly gave him a rectal examination.

Brian Persaud, 38, says in court papers that after he denied a request by NewYork-Presbyterian Hospital emergency room employees to examine his rectum, he was "assaulted, battered and falsely imprisoned."

His lawyer, Gerrard M. Marrone, said he and Persaud later learned the exam was one way of determining whether he had suffered spinal damage in the accident.

Marrone said his client got eight stitches for a cut over his eyebrow.

Then, Marrone said, emergency room staffers insisted on examining his rectum and held him down while he begged, "Please don't do that." He said Persaud hit a doctor while flailing around and staffers gave him an injection, which knocked him out, and performed the rectal exam.

Persaud woke up handcuffed to a bed and with an oxygen tube down his throat, the lawyer said, and spent three days in a detention center.

A request by the hospital to dismiss Persaud's lawsuit was denied by Justice Alice Schlesinger, who ordered a trial to start March 31.

Hospital spokesman Bryan Dotson said, "While it would be inappropriate for us to comment on specifics of the case, we believe it is completely without merit and intend to contest it vigorously."

Persaud's lawsuit, filed in Manhattan's state Supreme Court, seeks unspecified damages. A judge dismissed a misdemeanor assault charge against him.

I am thinking if I was a doctor there must be an easier way to get a piece of ass.

Oh wait... I forgot... was it?... Ah hell.

2008-01-15T15:12:00.000-08:00

I am in my car when I hear on the radio a commercial for Identigene. No catchy theme or clever hook, just a commercial. I barely acknowledge it as I contemplate other things going on in... WHAT?!!

Identigene. Over the counter Paternity Test kit now selling at Rite Aid. The voice over seriously went something like this: "My husband had doubts as to whether he was the father of our daughter, but I was too ashamed to admit to anyone he had a right to be. Luckily, I found Identigene. We were able to take the test at home and got the results in 3-5 days. My husband was relieved..."

What I found most funny about this was that it was delivered with the same sense of "matter of fact"-ness as an aspirin commercial - doesn't EVERYONE have Paternity questions?

Let's look at the shopping list:

Milk
Eggs
Peanut Butter
Deodorant
Shampoo
Paternity Test Kit
~~Condoms~~
Shaving Cream...

Whatever happened to the day when the girl told the boy he was going to be a father and he simply offered to a) marry her or b) pay to have it taken care of?

Ah, I miss those days when life was simpler and morality issues were handled by a Scarlet letter and banishment.

A very interesting take on Religion/Atheism

2008-01-14T11:57:00.000-08:00

From my friend Lars. His blog is pretty entertaining, even if you don't always agree with his points of view. Here he has managed to pretty much crystallize my opinion as well. As usual Gentle Readers, I invite your comments and opinions. I will even forward them on for you if you wish.

Alex, I Would Like to Solve the Puzzle Please

I consider it the height of irony when I hear a scientific idea being described from a religious standpoint by an “expert” in the field. I could line up 100 other “experts” who are not believers to support one side of, say, the need for intense stem cell research and the religious community will shrug off their credentials and their exhortations simply because these “secular scientists” do not give religious concerns or even “what the Bible says” proper importance. But they are quick hold up the academic and professional achievements of a “Christian scientist” who publicly voices opposition. What we atheists all want to point out at these moments is that, first of all, it’s 100 voices against 1, and second, listening to the religious voice and giving it any weight is like listening to Charles H. Duell as head of the U.S. Patent Office in 1899 recommending that the Office be closed because “everything that can be invented has been invented” and not bursting out laughing. Although the story of Mr. Duell recommending the Patent Office’s closure is a myth, the fact that religious scientists are close to being worthless, if not downright dangerous, is not.

The religious community of God believers always likes to trot out Copernicus, Galileo, Sir Isaac Newton and a few other historical scientists of note to show that great scientists have never had any trouble also believing in a personal God. This, of course, is an ingenuous ploy not only because for every one they can claim to be believers there are dozens who didn't, but also because even though these men (and women) may have outwardly purported to believe in God (Newton certainly did, but I am not so sure about Copernicus) and what they had discovered may have been extremely important to the advancement of human scientific knowledge it cannot be said that it is because they believed in God that the discoveries and advancements were made. I would say that it had nothing at all to do with it. If anything, “the Church” was continually instrumental in holding them back from the work they could have accomplished had they been given the freedom to do so and only reluctantly acknowledged it when they absolutely had to. Over and over again in history discoveries have been made by scientists, religious or not and over and over again the critics, nay-sayers and yes, the persecutors rise up from the religious establishment and seriously deter if not altogether squash them so that if takes another great scientist in a later time to bring to light the knowledge that the earlier scientist may have given us.

To speak in round numbers, it is certain that 500 years ago the most knowledgeable scientists could not say for certain what the thousands of lights they saw in the sky at night even were. It was not known to them which organ in our bodies acted as the seat of thought. No one knew about, let alone understood the physiology of the human circulatory system. No one knew exactly how plants came to grow when you potted them well, watered them and gave them sunlight. Biological reproduction was a mystery. Even the Greeks saw the effects of electricity when cloth was rubbed against amber but, in the year 1508, the word “electricity” was more than a century away from first being coined. Aerodynamics? Not a clue. Earthquakes? No idea. As late as 1930 the best guess as to the true age of the earth was still somewhere between 30,000 and 100,000 years.

I could rant about the role that religious persecution, intolerance and ignorance has played in the devastated lives of millions upon millions of individual people who have passed from birth to death on this planet in the last two millennia. I could write of the religious wars and the way in which religion and its countless manifestations have held people of lower class down so that generations upon generations of aristocracies could glut themselves. There are so many reasons to see belief and the insufferable, theocratic, bureaucratic outgrowth of that belief as a terrible and embarrassing line item in the ledger of human culture. But the exact protest I would like to make here concerns the stultifying effect that religion’s constant presence in any of its forms has had upon our general understanding of the world around us, the workings of our own bodies, the microscopic world, and the universe at large.

And all I want to really ask is this…What in Hell have they been afraid of!?!? Well, I am going to tell you.

You know what it’s like? Religion and the behavior of its adherents? It’s like a giant game of that old game Alex Trebek hosted for a while back in the late 1980s…Classic Concentration. The contestants would compete for prizes and the right to make attempts at solving the rebus puzzle initially hidden by the 30 panels on the playing board. If a player matched two panels, they would win the prize described on the matching pair and then they would be removed so that parts of the rebus would be revealed underneath. As the game went on, two by two, the panels would be removed and the puzzle would appear until, at some point, there was enough information for one of the contestants to put it all together and utter the full and precise answer for the right to play for the grand prize, a shiny new automobile. The idea was to keep matching tiles so that you had a much clearer picture of the rebus before you made your guess but for the uninitiated even a fully revealed puzzle was sometimes surprisingly difficult get right and much mockery was made of the contestants who just couldn’t see it though it was staring them right in the face. Now, I see a lot of comparison between that game and the effects religion has had throughout history. See, it would be as if a bunch of people got together to play a giant version of the game and one person decided after the first two panels were removed that he had the answer to the puzzle. He would say,

“I have the answer…I don’t have to play anymore.”

“What? Already? Wow. Well, ok, what is your answer?,” the host would ask, who in this case would be just a moderator and would not know the answer himself.

The contestant confidently would answer, “early to bed early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise.”

“It is possible, I guess, and it is certainly poignant, but it is extraordinary that you know that already,” the host might observe. “Don’t you want to know for certain before throwing down your choice?”

To the surprise of almost everyone, “I am sure of the answer. Therefore, I don’t need to play anymore.”

At this point some of the other contestants would be convinced simply due to the man’s charisma and confidence. Besides, they were never any good at these kinds of puzzles anyway…he sounds like he knows what he is talking about. They would also leave the game.

The game would go on and a few more panels would be revealed. The remaining contestants would be able to easily see that the first respondent’s answer, despite his earlier confidence, was incorrect. The host might return to the first respondent and ask him if he wanted back in the game.

The contestant would reply, “I already told you that my answer was, ‘early to bed early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise’ and it is still obviously correct. I don’t need to play anymore.”

The host might be willing to be understanding of the man’s obviously embarrassing plight and might persist. “No, you see right here. Your answer simply can’t be right. We have proof.”

The man would steadfastly respond, “You can’t be sure of it. That might not be the picture of a cash register…it could be a futon.”

“No, I think it is a cash register. The buttons are right there,” the host would explain.

The contestant would reply, “I already told you that my answer was, “never leave that till tomorrow which you can do today.”

Professionally ignoring the guffaws from the audience the host would patiently remind him, “No, you said that the answer was, ‘early to bed early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise.’”

“No I didn’t,” the contestant would protest with a Python-esque defiance.

“Yes, you did. We have it on tape,” the host would state, matter-of-factly.

Without an ounce of incongruity in his voice the deluded man would answer, “Well, what I meant by saying ‘early to bed early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise’ was ‘never leave that till tomorrow which you can do today.’" For a moment there would be a stunned, unbelieving silence in the studio. But then most of the early respondent’s group of admirers, not wanting to admit they may have been incorrect in following along in the first place and probably for the most part just figured they are not smart enough to understand the mystery of the switcheroo that they had just witnessed, would voice their support for the man and stay beside him. But there would be a few that would admit the mistake and drift back to the main group to wait for a better answer. The host would begin to say something about the rules of participation, how the rules clearly allow changing one's answer so it is completely unnecessary to lie about it, but would realize that it was of no use to waste his breath and would go on with the game.

Every time more panels of the puzzle are revealed the same thing would occur. The early responder would insist that his previous answer was correct, deny all evidence to the contrary, and when he finally seems to realize that he was, in fact, wrong, he would claim to have never had the previous, much different answer. And what would astound the host and the audience more than anything would be that each time bits of the puzzle are revealed the man insists on trying to solve it. He can’t seem to just shut up and let the thing reveal itself naturally. He has to have an answer, not partial bits of the answer but the whole answer. And there are so many contestants that simply don’t want to think for themselves each time the man makes “updates” that they too would ignore the evidence and the obviously unstable nature of the man and stay by his side. And each time more of the puzzle comes to light the early responder, the obviously delusional man would claim that no one else knows for sure what the answer to the puzzle is and therefore has no business telling him that he doesn’t have the right answer.

To make matters even more confusing, there would seem to be a disturbing trend among the remaining contestants. During every round of the game more of them would decide that instead of waiting for additional clues to the puzzle’s true nature to be revealed they would make a guess of their own, confidently state their position as to the final answer, and drag others to their camp, leaving less and less contestants to work out the puzzle’s actual solution. This would invariably frustrate the host and would also leave the remaining, enthusiastic contestants feeling they like they need to convince those who have bowed out that they are missing the most important point of the game. They would want to tell them how the game is more fun if one does not insist on knowing the answer. They would say that the focus of the game should be the challenge of the game itself and there is no reason for anyone to be embarrassed to say that they are still stumped by parts of it. They would insist that it is ok to patiently wait for more and more panels to be revealed. Some of the more exasperated players would burst out, "You don't know what you are talking about!"

And the insistent and delusional early responders would shoot back, "No, I know the truth, it is you who don't know the truth. Don't you want to quit the game and share the truth with us?" And then fights would begin to break out between the early responders some based on aspects as mundane as the inflection with which you must utter the final answer or how fast to say it.

In our hypothetical and supremely chaotic game of Classic Concentration, the fortitude of the deluded, pre-ejaculatory and combatative contestants is always found in the “gaps” of knowledge, the areas of the unknown. If the information from these gaps was known there would be no confusion and no disagreement. Even they would have to admit the truth when it was revealed to them. But instead of admitting they are wrong they simply co-opt the truth to be their own, original answer. They adjust the history in their own minds and blithely put forth this claim to the rest of the contestants. This is very frustrating to those playing by the rules of the game and it keeps them from the job at hand, that of solving the puzzle. And so the one wish of all the remaining players is for the delusional ones to just shut the Hell up if they aren’t going to really play anymore.

This is why it is frustrating for us who are still “playing the game” and searching for real answers in the real world to the interminable list of questions that remain unknown or only partially answered. We know science is indefatigable in its search for these answers and to answers for questions that have not yet even been posed. We don’t have to be experts in high energy physics or evolutionary biology or astronomical phenomenon to know that it is worth “playing the game”. Religious people, by succumbing to their delusions (or simply to their indifference), not only possibly dilute the pool of intelligent people searching for the truth, they hold up the “game” and stand in the way of the fulfilling experience of those of us still actively participating in either the actual science or the eager comsumption of the findings. Religion, at worst being sanctioned by the state and at best being the nay-saying, loudmouthed bystander, never, ever has given science the freedom to advance the breadth of its knowledge without meddling in it because whenever science makes an advance it is to the detriment of religion which will have narrower and fewer “gaps” from which to claim relevance. Just imagine to what heights science may have taken human understanding of the very small, very large and all other aspects of the natural world if it had not been for the stultifying effects of the religious stranglehold upon its activities! It does not have to result in planes flying into buildings or a crusade against occupying infidels or the downtrodden state of the underclass for it to be a constant drag upon our progress. Anyone who thinks that religious belief is only a harmless characteristic of our modern culture for religion to still have such power over people’s lives, even if it is just wasting their time on Sunday morning, has not thought about it nearly enough.

New Year, New Problems..

2008-01-14T11:46:00.001-08:00

So, last Tuesday was scary for me. I woke up, finished my morning ablutions, cleaned my shower and my toilet, got dressed and started my drive to work. Oddly, I was sweating and out of breath as if I had just finished working out, and the tips of my fingers were tingling. I thought I might be having a heart attack. So I deviated course and headed straight for the Emergency Room, calling my work to let them know.

Upon arrival at the ER, I was escorted pretty quickly to a treatment room (apparently you mention coronary issues and the hospital doesn't make you wait in the lobby for very long, if at all). My blood pressure was off the charts (221/117). Having no idea what those numbers meant, all I knew is I was feeling poorly.

6 hours later (much of which was truly "hurry up and wait" time), my blood pressure was down to a reasonable level, all the tests were negative (no heart attack), I was given some high blood pressure medication and sent home for 2 days. I have since been to my regular doctor and was prescribed a more permanent medication and am feeling OK . My doctor also didn't have any concerns about my health, but of course stressed weight loss.

So now I am hitting the pool every morning at 5 frickin 30 and getting exercise again. I do love swimming and bemoan myself for letting myself lapse as far as I did.

On a brighter note, Friday night was a Poker night. Yeah!

I lost. Crap.

I will try to update more frequently for my avid readers, sorry about the vacation.

I've been enjoying my time off work...

2008-01-01T14:36:00.000-08:00

So I haven't done any "blogging." But please enjoy the Year in Review 2007 by Dave Barry. Very funny stuff!

I will be back in the writing saddle again soon.

Oh Happy Day!!!!

2007-12-19T12:59:00.000-08:00

Jackson to produce ‘Rings’ prequel ‘Hobbit’
‘We are delighted to continue our journey through Middle Earth’

Associated Press
updated 11:47 a.m. PT, Tues., Dec. 18, 2007

NEW YORK - Bilbo lives!

After publicly feuding for more than a year, “Lord of the Rings” director Peter Jackson and New Line Cinema have reached agreement to make J.R.R. Tolkien’s “The Hobbit,” a planned two-film prequel to the blockbuster trilogy.

Jackson, who directed “Rings,” will serve as executive producer for two “Hobbit” pictures. They will tell the story of how the young hobbit Bilbo Baggins originally came to possess the nefarious One Ring that Frodo, his adopted heir, needed three films to dispose of.

A director for the films has yet to be named. Production is tentatively set to begin in 2009 with a release planned for 2010, and the sequel following in 2011.

Relations between Jackson and New Line soured after “Rings” despite a collective worldwide box office gross of nearly $3 billion. Jackson shepherded Tolkien’s Middle-Earth saga to a combined 17 Academy Awards including best picture for 2003’s “The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King.” The trilogy also includes 2002’s “The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers” and 2001’s “The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring.”

“I’m very pleased that we’ve been able to put our differences behind us, so that we may begin a new chapter with our old friends at New Line,” Jackson said in a statement. “We are delighted to continue our journey through Middle Earth.”

Late last year, acrimony between the 46-year-old Jackson and New Line became very public, with the studio announcing they would move forward with “The Hobbit” without him. Jackson sued New Line over the amount he was paid — including DVD payments — for “The Fellowship of the Ring,” the first installment of the trilogy.

“The low point was when we both started getting a little too personal about this whole thing,” said New Line co-chairman and co-CEO Bob Shaye on Tuesday. “From my own perspective, I realized that I shouldn’t be so thin-skinned about everything that goes on in my professional life.”

Jackson’s suit, the two sides announced Tuesday, has been settled. The terms of the settlement weren’t announced, though Shaye cheerfully said: “One of the key terms was we all shake hands with each other.”

In his statement, Jackson thanked Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer Studios (MGM) Chairman and CEO Harry Sloan for helping him and New Line “find the common ground necessary to continue that journey.”

New Line, which is owned by Time Warner Inc., holds the rights to produce “The Hobbit,” while MGM, which is owned by a consortium including Sony Corp. and Comcast Corp., has the right to distribute it. The two studios will split financing and distribution costs, with New Line handling distribution in North America and MGM distributing internationally.

Two “Hobbit” films are scheduled to be shot simultaneously, similar to how the three “Lord of the Rings” films were made all at once. Shaye and Sloan both said it was Jackson’s idea to divide the story, adapted from Tolkien’s first book about Middle Earth (which was about half the length of any from the trilogy that followed).

The film’s production schedule is subject to how long the writers strike lasts, which some forecast could continue for many months. There isn’t currently a script for either “Hobbit” film, and producers will be unable to even approach writers until the strike is over.

“If the writers strike drags on, then everything can change in terms of the time table,” Sloan said Tuesday.

Sloan added that some patience has been necessary for making “The Hobbit” happen: “We’ve always taken the position that we wanted Peter to be involved in this project, but it’s taken some time to work out the differences.”

Jackson, who directed “King Kong” after finishing the trilogy, is currently finishing shooting for “The Lovely Bones,” based on Alice Sebold’s novel.

The three “Lord of the Rings” films rank among the 25 most lucrative films of all time, made more financially successful by the risky strategy of shooting all three together. The production budget for the trilogy has been estimated at around $300 million.

Tolkien’s fantasy epic has been a cultural juggernaut since its publication in the 1950s, inspiring everything from the ubiquitous “Frodo Lives!” graffiti in the ’60s and ’70s to the Dungeons and Dragons phenomenon of the ’80s. With the franchise now considered one of the most bankable projects in Hollywood, the “Hobbit” films will be expected to match the blockbuster success of “Rings.

Today's bully alert!

2007-12-17T13:32:00.000-08:00

N.Y. millionaires guilty of 'modern-day slavery'

Convicted of forced labor of Indonesian women; could face 40-year sentences

Associated Press
updated 8:24 a.m. PT, Mon., Dec. 17, 2007

CENTRAL ISLIP, N.Y. - A jury on Monday convicted a millionaire couple of enslaving two Indonesian women they brought to their mansion to work as housekeepers.

Mahender Murlidhar Sabhnani, 51, and his wife, Varsha Mahender Sabhnani, 45, were each convicted of all charges in a 12-count federal indictment that included forced labor, conspiracy, involuntary servitude, and harboring aliens.

Prosecutors said the women were subjected to repeated psychological and physical abuse and were forced to work 18 hours or more a day.

The Sabhnanis, who have four children and operate a worldwide perfume business out of their Muttontown home on Long Island's Gold Coast, could face up to 40 years in prison, although attorneys predicted the punishment would be considerably less. He is from India and she is from Indonesia, but both are naturalized U.S. citizens.

One of the couple's daughters collapsed in the front row as the verdict was read, prompting the judge to clear the courtroom while medical personnel attended to her.

Defense attorney Jeffrey Hoffman said he would appeal. "Apparently, the jury was taken by the histrionics ..." of the Indonesian women, he said.

Worked for $100 to $150 a month
Prosecutors called it a case of "modern-day slavery." Assistant U.S. Attorney Mark Lesko said in closing arguments the poorly educated women worked as housekeepers for $100 or $150 a month — all of which was sent to their relatives back home.

Lesko said the women, known only as Samirah and Enung, were subjected to "punishment that escalated into a cruel form of torture" that ended when one of the women fled on Mother's Day.

Allegations of abuse included beatings with brooms and umbrellas, slashings with knives, being made to repeatedly climb stairs and take freezing-cold showers as punishment for misdeeds that included sleeping late or stealing food from trash bins because they were poorly fed.

Samirah, the woman who fled the house in May, said she was forced to eat dozens of chili peppers and then was forced to eat her own vomit when she failed to digest the peppers, prosecutors said.

"This did not happen in the 1800s," Lesko said. "This happened in the 21st century."

Accusations of abuse
Enung testified that Samirah's nude body once was covered in plastic wrapping tape on orders from Varsha Sabhnani, who then instructed Enung to rip it off. "When I pulled it off, she was screaming," the housekeeper said through an interpreter before breaking down in tears on the witness stand.

The Sabhnanis' defense attorneys contended the two women concocted the story of abuse as a way of escaping the house for more lucrative opportunities. They argued the housekeepers practiced witchcraft and may have abused themselves as part of an Indonesian self-mutilation ritual. They also said the couple went on frequent vacations that would have given the two women ample opportunity to flee.

The Sabhnanis spent nearly three months in jail until a judge approved a bail package that required them to post $4.5 million and pay an estimated $10,000 a day for security monitoring while they were kept under house arrest.

There are times when people seriously puzzle me: How does a multi-millionaire couple, parents of four, rationalize this kind of de-valuing of human life? I realize neither of these terms, multi-millionaire and parent, are qualifiers for being civilized, sophisticated, and caring people, but to casually exhibit such base human cruelty is truly astonishing.

In the "an eye for an eye" department - What truly sucks is even if sentenced to the maximum jail term possible, their living conditions in prison will a) be better than those they tortured, and b)paid for in full by our tax dollars.

I am reminded of an idea Tim Carden, a friend of mine, had and posted in my blog a while back regarding life sentences in prison:

"...We lobby to change the life in prison laws, citing that it is inhuman to keep a person in prison for life with no change of getting out. That all of these prisoners are killed one year after their last appeal. Any prisoner that does what to live out their day in prison can register for life. Here is the part I like. Any and all of you crying for what is far, sad dumb assess can sponsor one of these register prisoner for a year at a time. The government will lift that tax burdened from me and give it to you. As long as some sad ass is paying for the prisoner, they live."

Today's chuckle...

2007-12-13T16:04:00.000-08:00

Thanks Kelli!

When four of Santa's elves got sick and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs Claus told Santa that her Mum was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress!

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.

So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration he accidentally dropped the cider pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang and irritable, Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree....

It's a Christmas Miracle I tell you!

OK, you have to admit this could be a hysterical online video...

2007-12-10T11:29:00.001-08:00

Don't ya think?

Associated Press - updated 1:53 a.m. PT, Mon., Dec. 10, 2007

GROSSE POINTE PARK, Mich. - Sister Kathy Avery won't put up with swearing on the playground at her school, and she's not above repeating the offending language to make sure everyone understands which words she won't tolerate.

The principal of St. Clare of Montefalco Catholic School had students stay after a Mass last month and informed the fifth- through eighth-graders that she has a zero-tolerance policy for cursing.

Just in case anyone wasn't sure what she was talking about, Avery read off a list of the very words and phrases that she was banning.

"It got a little quiet in church" during her talk, she told the Detroit Free Press.

Some parents were shocked, but others applauded, the newspaper said.

"In a way you would think a nun would shy away from something like that, but she's very open with the children, very clear in her messages," said Margaret Roache, chairperson of the school commission.

Roache's sixth-grade son was there when Avery read the list of banned words.

"When I asked him to give me a sample of it, he said, 'Oh, no, I can't say it!'" Roache said. "I thought it was great."

A representative of the Archdiocese of Detroit declined to comment Sunday.

Cuss words aren't the only things that set Avery off. She's also banned the words "stupid" and "boring."

Holiday Cheer...

2007-12-07T13:34:00.000-08:00

Coming in 2008...

2007-12-07T11:12:00.000-08:00

SPEED RACER THE MOVIE!!!! Check out the trailer at the link - even in HD.

Wow... this is my lucky day...

2007-12-07T10:09:00.000-08:00

Apparently there is a hottie who wants to meet me on MySpace. Check out what she wrote me. I saw her page, and she has a webcam! Oh I am a lucky man!!

hey whats up... we dont know each other or anything but.. my friend and I are actually moving near u next week and I wont knwo anybody who lives there... so thought id hit u up to say hi since u live there.. If you dont have a girlfriend I mean heheh.. please contact me.. my info is on my page..m.s.n or a.i.m is the best way... chat ya soon hunny

A very important notice - scam alert!

2007-12-07T08:22:00.001-08:00

Thanks to Matt for bringing this to my attention. Here's his story:

A 'Heads Up' for those of us men who may be regular Home Depot customers. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends. Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to another Home Depot or Lowes.

You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet. I had my wallet stolen October 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th & 24th. Also November 1st, thru the 28th, twice on the 30th, three times just yesterday, and very likely this coming weekend. So tell your friends to be careful. I'm on my way to the bank for another loan.

No Seriously! I think I just inherited $22 million!

2007-12-07T07:12:00.000-08:00

This was in my inbox this morning - I am a lucky man! I left it unedited. Hey, don't even think about using that email at the bottom to snake my money! Not sure why he didn't use that address when he sent it - oh wait it must be a British thing, send email on one account, receive in another - kind of like driving on the wrong side of the road... but who cares right? $22 million!

Dear Partner,
My name is Mr.Richard Grey I was an accounting officer to Late Engineer Micheal Foster a citizen of your country,he worked with the French oil major total company here in the United Kingdom. On the 21st of April 2002, my Client, his wife and their three children were involved in a car accident. Unfortunately him and his three kids lost their lives immediately in the event of the accident, while the wife was taken to the hospital where she died three days later. Their bodies were kept in the mortuary for five months, this was to enable the authorities carry out proper investigation on how to locate their surviving relatives. They have checked all available public files and embassies, with all efforts been abortive.

I shall provide you with all other detailed informatons that we shall both need to proceed on this transaction as soon as I have received a response from you in my next email. Please note that the amount involved in this transaction is (£11,000,000.00 million GBP)($22,755,486.99 USD).

Please do get back to me in agreement with the terms as stated above via my private email:greyrichard1@live.com

Best Regards,
Richard Grey.

Today's Chuckle...part 3 (yes THREE!)

2007-12-06T21:44:00.000-08:00

Thanks to Cue!

This is seriously funny. Read it all the way to the end.

Pocket Taser

A guy who purchased his wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this.

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and...

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner , then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.

I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.

The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "Do it again, stupid, do it again!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.

A three-second burst would be considered conservative.

SON-OF-A-... That hurt like **% !!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up there?

My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles! I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!! Still in shock!!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

Today's chuckle...part 2

2007-12-06T13:02:00.000-08:00

Found this on Break. Great ad!

Today's chuckle...

2007-12-06T10:40:00.001-08:00

Thanks Kristin!

Shoppers beware...

2007-12-05T15:35:00.000-08:00

So there I was at the local office supply superstore to pick up a few necessities for the company. I was handed the company credit card on the way out the door by my associate, but I was prepared to pay with my own card if they decided to ask for my ID.
So I get what I need and proceed to run the card through the machine. Sure enough there is a notice from the machine and I am asked to hand the card to the cashier who wants the card and my ID. So I pull out my wallet and show her my ID. She looks at the card and my ID and says "OK, thanks." Purchase complete, I simply shake my head as I head to my car.

The credit card is issued to my company and has the equivalent of ACME Widget Sales - Sally Allbright as the name on the card. My driver's license does not have my company affiliation on it, and my name is nowhere NEAR the name on the credit card. If I didn't have to get back to the office I would have called her out on this. As we head into full scale holiday shopping please keep the cashiers on their toes. Make them check your ID correctly and be prepared to report them to their Supervisor if they don't. Consider that I could have had any one of your credit cards and made that purchase. And people wonder how this kind of fraud can happen...

Today's chuckle...

2007-11-30T12:25:00.000-08:00

Wow... Good thing she is pretty. For those who don't know, Kelly Pickler was an American Idol contestant who has garnered some fame as a Country Western Artist. I love the comment on Break.com about this: "You got to love this chick but honestly if this was Are You Smarter Than A Rock I would of gone with the rock."

Today's Chuckle...

2007-11-29T07:50:00.000-08:00

Thanks Kelli.

Check out this video: a HYSTERICAL phone prank

My Holiday Treat --

2007-11-29T01:30:00.000-08:00

Hey, what can I say, I love me some holiday music. Here's over 12 hours of streaming festiveness. Enjoy!

I also added a couple of other channels, and plan on adding more. I seriously recommend the Spock's Beard! If you can spend the time, this music is definitely worth the effort.

Today's chuckle...part 2

2007-11-27T15:37:00.000-08:00

Thanks Kristin.

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the testimonials of a few people who did...

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word. He knew better.
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good- looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month- old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said, "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled. "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any? A true story. We had a female news anchor who the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too!
While on a flight from New York, the Stewardess was busy passing out peanuts and cokes to everyone. There were about sixteen flights lined up waiting to get clearance to take off. Then the other Stewardess got a message from the Pilot that the tower said the wind had changed 180 degrees and they were first in line to take off, and to have everyone buckle up. Without thinking she just announced "Please buckle up, grab your drinks and hold your nuts, we're taking off", No one saw her for the rest of the flight to Houston , and all the other Stewardesses were laughing all the way and half of the passengers.

Today's chuckle...

2007-11-27T13:23:00.000-08:00

Thanks Ashley.

Sensitive Man
A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment. She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall! It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears. She is quite impressed by his sensitive side. but doesn't mention this to him. They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking, 'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?' She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love. She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well,how was it?"

The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says: "Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf."

Some things to ponder...

2007-11-22T01:43:00.001-08:00

I was sent this by niece Amanda. My reply follows. I welcome your comments on this, and as long as they are valid opinions well stated, I will not censor them.

A science professor begins his school year with a lecture to the students, "Let me explain the problem science has with religion." The atheist professor of philosophy pauses before his class and then asks one of his new students to stand.

"You're a Christian, aren't you, son?"

"Yes sir," the student says.

"So you believe in God?"

"Absolutely."

"Is God good?"

"Sure! God's good."

"Is God all-powerful? Can God do anything?"

"Yes."

"Are you good or evil?"

"The Bible says I'm evil."

The professor grins knowingly. "Aha! The Bible!" He considers for a moment. "Here's one for you. Let's say there's a sick person over here and you can cure him. You can do it. Would you help him? Would you try?"

"Yes sir, I would."

"So you're good...!"

"I wouldn't say that."

"But why not say that? You'd help a sick and maimed person if you could. Most of us would if we could. But God doesn't."

The student does not answer, so the professor continues. "He doesn't, does he? My brother was a Christian who died of cancer, even though he prayed to Jesus to heal him. How is this Jesus good? Hmmm? Can you answer that one?"

The student remains silent.

"No, you can't, can you?" the professor says. He takes a sip of water from a glass on his desk to give the student time to relax.

"Let's start again, young fella. Is God good?"

"Er...yes," the student says.

"Is Satan good?"

The student doesn't hesitate on this one. "No."

"Then where does Satan come from?"

The student falters. "From God"

"That's right. God made Satan, didn't he? Tell me, son. Is there evil in this world?"

"Yes, sir."

"Evil's everywhere, isn't it? And God did make everything, correct?"

"Yes."

"So who created evil?" The professor continued, "If God created everything, then God created evil, since evil exists, and according to the principle that our works define who we are, then God is evil."

Again, the student has no answer. "Is there sickness? Immorality? Hatred? Ugliness? All these terrible things, do they exist in this world?"

The student squirms on his feet. "Yes."

"So who created them?"

The student does not answer again, so the professor repeats his question. "Who created them?" There is still no answer. Suddenly the lecturer breaks away to pace in front of the classroom. The class is mesmerized. "Tell me," he continues onto another student. "Do you believe in Jesus Christ, son?"

The student's voice betrays him and cracks. "Yes, professor, I do."

The old man stops pacing. "Science says you have five senses you use to identify and observe the world around you. Have you ever seen Jesus?"

"No sir. I've never seen Him."

"Then tell us if you've ever heard your Jesus?"

"No, sir, I have not."

"Have you ever felt your Jesus, tasted your Jesus or smelt your Jesus? Have you ever had any sensory perception of Jesus Christ, or God for that matter?"

"No, sir, I'm afraid I haven't."

"Yet you still believe in him?"

"Yes."

"According to the rules of empirical, testable, demonstrable protocol, science says your God doesn't exist. What do you say to that, son?"

"Nothing," the student replies. "I only have my faith."

"Yes, faith," the professor repeats. "And that is the problem science has with God. There is no evidence, only faith."

The student stands quietly for a moment, before asking a question of His own. "Professor, is there such thing as heat?"

"Yes," the professor replies. "There's heat."

"And is there such a thing as cold?"

"Yes, son, there's cold too."

"No sir, there isn't."

The professor turns to face the student, obviously interested. The room suddenly becomes very quiet. The student begins to explain. "You can have lots of heat, even more heat, super-heat, mega-heat, unlimited heat, white heat, a little heat or no heat, but we don't have anything called 'cold'. We can hit up to 458 degrees below zero, which is no heat, but we can't go any further after that. There is no such thing as cold; otherwise we would be able to go colder than the lowest -458 degrees."

"Every body or object is susceptible to study when it has or transmits energy, and heat is what makes a body or matter have or transmit energy. Absolute zero (-458 F) is the total absence of heat. You see, sir, cold is only a word we use to describe the absence of heat. We cannot measure cold. Heat we can measure in thermal units because heat is energy. Cold is not the opposite of heat, sir, just the absence of it."

Silence across the room. A pen drops somewhere in the classroom, sounding like a hammer.

"What about darkness, professor. Is there such a thing as darkness?"

"Yes," the professor replies without hesitation. "What is night if it isn't darkness?"

"You're wrong again, sir. Darkness is not something; it is the absence of something. You can have low light, normal light, bright light, flashing light, but if you have no light constantly you have nothing and it's called darkness, isn't it? That's the meaning we use to define the word."

"In reality, darkness isn't. If it were, you would be able to make darkness darker, wouldn't you?"

The professor begins to smile at the student in front of him. This will be a good semester. "So what point are you making, young man?"

"Yes, professor. My point is, your philosophical premise is flawed to start with, and so your conclusion must also be flawed."

The professor's face cannot hide his surprise this time. "Flawed? Can you explain how?"

"You are working on the premise of duality," the student explains. "You argue that there is life and then there's death; a good God and a bad God. You are viewing the concept of God as something finite, something we can measure. Sir, science can't even explain a thought."

"It uses electricity and magnetism, but has never seen, much less fully understood either one. To view death as the opposite of life is to be ignorant of the fact that death cannot exist as a substantive thing. Death is not the opposite of life, just the absence of it."

"Now tell me, professor. Do you teach your students that they evolved from a monkey?"

"If you are referring to the natural evolutionary process, young man, yes, of course I do."

"Have you ever observed evolution with your own eyes, sir?"

The professor begins to shake his head, still smiling, as he realizes where the argument is going. A very good semester, indeed.

"Since no one has ever observed the process of evolution at work and cannot even prove that this process is an on-going endeavor, are you not teaching your opinion, sir? Are you now not a scientist, but a preacher?"

The class is in uproar. The student remains silent until the commotion has subsided.

"To continue the point you were making earlier to the other student, let me give you an example of what I mean."

The student looks around the room. "Is there anyone in the class who has ever seen the professor's brain?" The class breaks out into laughter.

"Is there anyone here who has ever heard the professor's brain, felt the professor's brain, touched or smelt the professor's brain? No one appears to have done so. So, according to the established rules of empirical, stable, demonstrable protocol, science says that you have no brain, with all due respect, sir."

"So if science says you have no brain, how can we trust your lectures, sir?"

Now the room is silent. The professor just stares at the student, his face unreadable.

Finally, after what seems an eternity, the old man answers. "I guess you'll have to take them on faith."

"Now, you accept that there is faith, and, in fact, faith exists with life," the student continues. "Now, sir, is there such a thing as evil?"

Now uncertain, the professor responds, "Of course, there is. We see it everyday. It is in the daily example of man's inhumanity to man. It is in the multitude of crime and violence everywhere in the world. These manifestations are nothing else but evil."

To this the student replied, "Evil does not exist sir, or at least it does not exist unto itself. Evil is simply the absence of God. It is just like darkness and cold, a word that man has created to describe the absence of God. God did not create evil. Evil is the result of what happens when man does not have God's love present in his heart. It's like the cold that comes when there is no heat or the darkness that comes when there is no light."

The professor sat down.

My Reply:

OK, consider this:

There is a statistic that says that 39% of all traffic fatalities are caused by drunk drivers - a pretty staggering fact.

However, that means that 61% of all traffic fatalities are caused by sober drivers. Therefore my odds are almost 2 to 1 in favor of me driving drunk.

Now we know that this isn't true. But by presenting a statistic or series of statistics from only one side, you can use valid material to make statements which under further scrutiny don't hold up.

There is measurable evidence to this day of evolution. As a species we are taller than our ancestors. We are stronger, faster and more agile. The average life span has more than doubled since early man (and even just a couple of hundred years ago), and not all of this can be attributed to medicine. If you doubt these facts, why do sporting records keep getting beaten?

In the story, the student asks if anyone has seen the professor's brain and jumps to the "conclusion" that you have to faith it exists since no one has seen it. Sorry, but the presence of a brain is a measurable and provable process and doesn't require faith.

I am not trying to sway your beliefs or values. I just want you to be very aware that one side of a story is just that. If you listen to Rush Limbaugh (an ultra-conservative Republican talk show host), he can present very compelling arguments against concepts such as global warming, yet Al Gore (A former Democratic Presidental Candidate and VIce President) can sway you towards his side by watching "An Inconvenient Truth". Before committing entirely to one set of ideals or principles, make your own informed decision by gathering as much evidence as you can on both sides of the argument.

That's just my opinion.

Today's chuckle...part 2

2007-11-21T15:42:00.000-08:00

Kelli is on Fire!!

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, “Surely I can’t look that old”? Well, you’ll love this one.

My name is Alice Smith and I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his DDS diploma, which bore his full name.

Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 40-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then? Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought.

This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.

After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High School .
“Yes. Yes, I did. I’m a Mustang,” he gleamed with pride.

“When did you graduate?” I asked.

He answered, “in 1959. Why do you ask?”

“You were in my class!” I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely. Then, that ugly, old, bald, wrinkled, fat ass, gray-haired, decrepit son-of-a-bitch asked, “what subject did you teach?”

Today's chuckle...

2007-11-21T08:27:00.000-08:00

Thanks Kelli!

A business man got on an elevator. When he entered, there was a blond already inside who greeted him with a bright, "T-G-I-F."

He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."

She looked puzzled, and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly.

He again answered, "S-H-I-T."
The blond was trying to keep it friendly, so, she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F."
The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-I-T."

The exasperated blond finally decided to explain, "'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank Goodness It's Friday.' Get it duuhhh?"

The man answered, "'S-H-I-T' means "Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday."

Today's chuckle...

2007-11-19T12:15:00.000-08:00

Thanks Kristin.

Letter to My Pets:

When I say to move, it means to go someplace else, not to switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in my way.

The dishes with the paw print are yours, and contain your food. All other dishes are mine, and contain my food. Please note that placing your paw print in the middle of MY plate and food does not stake a claim making it YOUR plate and food.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR, and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help in your quest to reach the bottom first, because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think that I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats actually curl up in a ball when they sleep.

It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to one another, Stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out, and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, and try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge of the door and try to pull it open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Honest!!!

Also, I have been using the bathroom by myself for quite some time -- canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

And...I can't stress this one enough...kiss me, THEN go smell the other dog's/cat's behind.

To pacify you, my dear pet less companions, I have posted the following notice on our front door:

Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and then Complain About Our Pets

The pets live here....YOU DON'T!!
If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay OFF the furniture. That's why it's called "fur"niture.
To you, our pets are just animals. To us, they are an adopted son/daughter who happens to be hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

Besides it could be argued that dogs and cats are better than kids because:

They don't ask for money all the time
They are easier to train
They usually come when called
They don't hang out with drug-using friends
They don't need a gazillion dollars for a college education

and

if they get pregnant, you can sell the children. :)

Today's Chuckle...

2007-11-15T22:05:00.000-08:00

This just in from my friend Rob:

Go to Google. Search for “google chuck Norris”. Hit “I’m feeling lucky”. Enjoy.

I'm angry...

2007-11-14T12:40:00.000-08:00

No, I'm pissed off! Those who know me know I am a pretty laid back guy (thanks to Jeff - my personal Yoda) and not easily angered.

I work as a computer trainer and technical facilities manager (responsible for the maintenance of the computers) for a firm here in Sacramento. My job requires me to wear business casual attire, which is typically defined as such:

Minus the model good looks (I would classify my looks as more - well - caricature), this is fairly typical of how I dress, and have since 1999. One of our clients, a company which requires me to teach offsite at their facility, has a person in charge who has actually complained my attire is too casual. I was just pretty much ordered to go the store to spend money on clothes which fit his definition of business casual.

Let's get this very clear: I don't mind dressing up, and the new shirts I bought are very nice. But until the day my attire affects my ratings as an instructor no one has any business telling me how to dress! I am one of the best instructors not only in Sacramento, but in Northern California, a claim I will gladly back against any and all takers. Spending money on clothes just to please one client is complete bullshit!

Aw crap...

2007-11-12T23:50:00.000-08:00

Assassin's Creed For PC Pushed Back To 2008

In a news release today, publisher UbiSoft announced their fall/holiday 2007 line-up of games. One of those games is the long awaited third person action game Assassin's Creed. However while the PS3 and Xbox 360 versions of the game will be coming out this fall, UbiSoft has decided to push back the PC release of the game until early 2008.

Arrghh! More vicarious gaming thru Ken...

OK... Cool news...

2007-11-12T23:38:00.001-08:00

Thanks Ken!
Back in 2000, a video was released on the Internet that was truly great - comedy, action, over 10,000 rounds of ammunition, and all the Pinto Beans you could eat - err kill. It was called "Killer Bean 2: The Party".

Apparently Jeff Lew has now almost finished his feature length film "Killer Bean Forever". Here's the Trailer:

My Geek card is out, and I am waving it proudly as I wait for this.

I laughed...

2007-11-12T12:25:00.001-08:00

and was slightly turned on by this(insert cheesy grin here).

I WON!!!!!!

2007-11-12T11:52:00.000-08:00

Look at this email I just got! I'm so excited - Lunch is on me!

WINNING NOTIFICATION:

You have therefore been approved to claim a total sum of £516,778.00(Five hundred and Sixteen thousand,seven hundred and seventy eight pounds sterling only) To file for your claim, please kindly provide the following informations and send it to our Fiduciary Agent who shall clear you as a winner.(1)FULL NAMES (2)DATE OF BIRTH (3)SEX (4)MARITAL STATUS(5)CONTACT ADDRESS (6)PHONE NUMBERS (7)OCCUPATION MR.CLARKE DAVIS Email:webdraws_103@hotmail.com Goodluck from me and members of staff of The U.K National Lottery.
Yours faithfully,
Mrs.Lucy Baines
ONLINE SUPERVISOR

It's Friday!!!

2007-11-09T15:42:00.000-08:00

And a Poker night. I have been reading a book on Poker, now let's see if my comprehension holds up.

I hate that I don't get home before it gets dark now. I still have to take my dog for a walk, and now I get to lug around a flashlight, if for no other reason than to minimize the chance of getting creamed by a car. It's actually very surprising just how few street lamps are on my street. Since I live on the corner, there is one there, but literally there isn't one as far as I can see down the main street.

Next week Assassin's Creed comes out. Yeah, this game is on top of my must buy list! I have been stoked on this one for a couple of years now (a long time coming).

Last week I was asked with very little notice to play drums for a Sunday evening performance of "Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat", on somebody else's kit. Now I have never played the show, but I do know the music. So I took my niece on Saturday and we watched the show, me listening intently on how it was being performed (it was the end of the 9th week of the run, so musically it was very tight). Complete with a lot of breaks and tempo changes, I was feeling sort of unsure so I went back for the regular Sunday matinée and listened again before I took to the throne for my performance. I had about 15 minutes to get used to the kit and ran a couple of the hardest parts with the keyboardist before I was on. I am very pleased to announce I pulled it off! It wasn't my best drumming, but I was solid, and had only one noticeable miscue. I left the theater in a very good mood after being complimented heartily by the cast and crew of the show.

Ahh to be 10 and fearless...

2007-11-02T18:28:00.000-07:00

I am wondering just HOW BAD the cafeteria food really is. SING IT JOSIE!

my daughter is a goofball

Thanks Kelli.

The photographer was sure that he was going to see the end of his huskies when the polar bear materialized out of the blue, as it were:

2007-11-02T10:33:00.000-07:00

Obviously it was a well-fed Bear...it returned every night that week to play with the dogs.

Thanks to Kristin for sending this to me.

A typical evening in the life of a 40 something bachelor...

2007-11-01T08:44:00.001-07:00

Went out after work for a while with two beauties for a drink... or two. That's not the typical part. Mostly due to just busy day to day stuff I rarely get to hang with Kristin and Candice, so last night was a real treat. Here's the typical part: both of them are taken. Damn.

Just saw this in a "Personals" Ad...

2007-10-31T12:29:00.000-07:00

"...Not Only Will You Be Astounded By My True Beauty But My Intlecet As Well."

I'm sold. Anyone else?

Now I know how Fletch felt...

2007-10-29T09:15:00.000-07:00

The visit to the Doctor's office is in my list of top 10 funniest movie moments. But last week life imitated art (the rest of this post won't make sense unless you either watch this clip or know it very well) -

For those who don't know, a couple of weeks ago my car died... big time. So much so I had to buy a new(er) one. From a used car lot I bought a '99 Ford Explorer. Now this car came with only one key (that's all they got from the seller). The key is "chipped" for Anti-theft purposes, so I decided to go to the nearby Ford Dealership to obtain a 2nd one (Can you hear the lid on the jar of vaseline being removed?).

Now they wanted $40 for a new key - a little expensive but not entirely unexpected and not too unreasonable. Then (sound of latex glove being snapped) they wanted to charge me $110 to program it - "MOOON RIVER!"

$150 - for a key! Not a key which opens a vault or even a safety deposit box, but a car key! That is completely ludicrous! I was so outraged, I contemplated having all the locks and ignition re-keyed thru a 3rd party out of spite (I know it would cost more than $150, but it's a matter of principle).

Starting next week...

2007-10-22T12:42:00.000-07:00

I will be attending an improv class.

Now this is funny!

2007-10-18T10:44:00.000-07:00

From Break.com

Absolutely Hilarious Bathroom Mirror Prank - Watch more free videos

The review is in...

2007-10-15T07:11:00.001-07:00

Just in time for closing weekend! But that's nothing new regarding Sacramento Community Theater. It's a very fair and honest review of the The Broccoli Club. All you locals should check it out. It is worth the time and as always it is good to support local theater.

Today's chuckle...

2007-10-14T17:02:00.000-07:00

Thanks Kelli.

Why men don't get depressed -- Men Are Just Happier People -- What do you expect from such simple creatures?

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be President.

You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original color.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

One wallet and one color for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

So why would I EVER be depressed?

"...blow in her ear and she says 'Thanks for the refill.'"

2007-10-01T11:59:00.000-07:00

MSNBC News Services
Updated: 6:18 a.m. PT Sept 25, 2007

The latest Miss USA, Rachel Smith, recently revealed how much she really doesn’t know at a Women in Entertainment Empowerment Network event, reports the New York Daily News. Speaking about her future plans, the seemingly-superficial Miss Smith said, “I always wanted to be a reporter — maybe some TV. Who knows? Some serious news — but some modeling, too.”

Resolute Rachel, who also described how she danced around in a hot pink Rocawear sweatsuit and her crown the night she won Miss USA, didn’t pontificate on how she intended to mix journalism with modeling. But the News reports that she was able to emphatically state, “I just don’t want to end up like Katie Couric. I want people to take me seriously.”

No problem, honey. According to a Couric representative, “If (Rachel Smith) continues to offer such profound insight, she will not have to worry about anyone taking her seriously.”

After a little bit of research, I found out she was born in Panama - when I was stationed there! I feel my age today.

What is the potential for extensive future psychotherapy?

2007-10-01T11:45:00.000-07:00

Mom gives birth to her own twin grandchildren
51-year-old Brazilian acted as surrogate for her daughter

Associated Press October 1, 2007
SAO PAULO, Brazil - A 51-year-old surrogate mother for her daughter has given birth to her own twin grandchildren in northeastern Brazil, the delivery hospital said.

Rosinete Palmeira Serrao, a government health worker, gave birth to twin boys by Caesarean section on Thursday at the Santa Joana Hospital in the city of Recife, the hospital said in a statement on its Web site.

Hospital officials were not available for comment on Sunday, but press reports said the grandmother and twins were discharged on Saturday in excellent health. The Caesarean section was performed about two weeks ahead of time because Serrao was having trouble sleeping, the statement said.

Serrao decided to serve as a surrogate mother after four years of failed attempts at pregnancy by her 27-year-old daughter, Claudia Michelle de Brito.

Brazilian law stipulates that only close relatives can serve as surrogate mothers. De Brito is an only child and none of her cousins volunteered, so Serrao agreed to receive four embryos from her daughter.

I must have "sucker" stamped on my profile...

2007-09-28T12:59:00.000-07:00

So, being single I have been known to setup profiles on a couple of Internet Dating Services over the years. Recently I joined via a 10-day trial of one I hadn't been on before. Of course I get hits on my profile just as the trial is about to expire, but one lady actually gave me a "real" email address and wanted me to contact her. I replied to the email in a very cordial manner and she responded wanting to know a little about me, and hinting that her and I might be made for each other, and that I "have no idea what kind of pain she is in". I gave her some VERY GENERAL information and asked her what was wrong (my Spidey sense tingling like crazy). Here's her response (unedited for your enjoyment) -

Hello thanks for contacting with me and showing some
intrest
in me.when i
went through ur profile i really liked it and found
both of us %99
compatible,the only %1 missing is that right now am
not
home,am stucked up in
africa and i need help to get back home.if you can
give
us a try and
help me back home am sure we can make something work
outa this.
After the death of my parent i met a guy called Segun
in florida though
he's from nigeria in africa, he came for a degree in
the state when.i
fell inlove with him and latter when he returned to
his
country he
invited me over to come and meet his family so i
gathered some money and
got myself a round trip ticket,when i got down here he
turned out to be a
robber he stole my money and jewelries now the hotel
am
staying siezed
my return ticket and passport cuz i cant afford to pay
up
the bills am
owing the hotel and i have no one to help me out, of
this mess i got
myself into want u to plz help me get back home.reply
back asap and let
me know what you really have to say

Her Pic (as posted on the site)

I am tempted to try to setup a "sting", but I have to make myself stop laughing first. Don't worry, were I to go forward with a sting, I would contact law enforcement.

So what do you think - should I send her a cashier's check?

Today's chuckle...

2007-09-26T09:36:00.001-07:00

Thanks to Cheryl (again, an unlikely source for humor). I read this before, and damn if it isn't true.

9 Words Women Use

1. Fine : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

2. Five Minutes : If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3. Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

4. Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

5. Loud Sigh : This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6. That's Okay : This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7. Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome.

8 . Whatever : Is a woman's way of saying FORGET YOU!

9. Don't worry about it, I got it : Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself.. This will later result in a man asking "What's wrong?" For the woman's response refer to #3.

I found this pretty cool...

2007-09-25T13:51:00.000-07:00

Thanks Jen.

This bridge is on the Old Donner Pass Highway (CA). It has spectacular Sierra Views and views of Donner Lake and Donner Pass on Route 80. A bear was walking across Rainbow Bridge (Old Hwy 40 at Donner Summit, Truckee) on Saturday when two cars also crossing the bridge scared the bear into jumping over the edge of the bridge. Somehow the bear caught the ledge and was able to pull itself to safety. Authorities decided that nothing could be done to help Saturday night so they returned Sunday morning to find the bear sound asleep on the ledge. After securing a net under the bridge the bear was tranquilized, fell into the net, lowered, then woke up and walked out of the net.

I need opinions...

2007-09-25T12:24:00.000-07:00

My new dishes - was this too typical of a "guy" choice? Not that I really care cuz' I like 'em.

News from the canine world - September 24

2007-09-25T11:53:00.000-07:00

I guess I pissed off the big guy last night. Maybe now he'll learn. So here's my side of the story (in case he loses it and this is my last entry):

The past week or so the big guy has been coming home late and hasn't been walking me very much. Then last night after he got home, all he was able to manage for me was about 15 minutes of sprints in the front yard (me, not him). So I decided to make a point. In hindsight (pun intended - you'll see what I mean) it might not have been my brightest moment. When he was watching TV with his friends, I - wait for it - peed on his bed. Yep, right on the comforter.

He yelled when he found it, and I acted appropriately remorseful. I don't think he poisoned my food this morning, but I can't be sure.

If I post again, you'll know he forgave me. If not - Brutus, I enjoyed playing with you.

Today's chuckle...

2007-09-25T11:31:00.001-07:00

Thanks once again to Kristin (she's the only one sending me jokes right now).

9 Things I Hate About Everyone

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna kick their asses!

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.

8. When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?

Here's the gal who has been providing the laughs...