Halloween

I want to thank Kristin and Andrea for making my day... truly. I am seldom surrounded by such beauty. You guys are awesome! 30 minutes in your presence just wasn't enough.

Speaking of beauty, this evening I present Alicia Witt. On top of being an amazing redhead and talented actress, she also happens to be a genius (one report had her IQ at 180+) and a gifted piano prodigy. If I were to aim high...

Hilarious!

Credit to Penny Arcade... very good stuff.

The drawbacks of modern medicine

I just came across some new pictures of Katie Price, aka Jordan, a British supermodel. She is of the breed of woman who isn't satisfied with their own natural beauty and feels the need to enhance it surgically.

Though still beautiful, I found her to be unbelievably stunning before and not nearly as hot now. I present these as evidence. What do you guys think?

Before


After

Politically incorrect – but funny!

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
- A half-gallon of 2% milk,
- A carton of eggs,
- A quart of orange juice,
- A head of romaine lettuce,
- A 2 lb. can of coffee,
- And a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.
She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, " 'Cause you're ugly."

YEAH!!!

The Redskins annihilated the 49ers yesterday, 52-17. I really enjoyed going to my brother-in-law's house yesterday wearing a Redskins T-shirt.

I actually woke up early and went to a local sports bar with every intent of being able to harass Niner fans incessantly. But damned if the only 2 Niner fans there were politely accepting of their fate and were only half watching the game. What kind of fun is that? GEEZ!!! Though there was one moment I got an extreme amount of pleasure – a fan walked by saying "Damn. I thought at least we would be able to win THIS game..."

I truly love to hate the 49ers, so watching them go down to my favorite team was extra special. But I have to say I am but a babe in the woods with my hatred in comparison to my friend Gary. He has taken 49er hatred to a whole other level. Recently, one of his neighbors challenged him, saying she was a bigger hater than he was. His response: "If the 49ers were playing the Taliban, Hitler, and Satan, I would be cheering on the sidelines wearing a turban and doing the goose step." She had no response.

I was accused of being a little "soft" recently, and I am not referring to my natural insulation. It was a comment from a friend about the tone of my posts. Apparently I am not projecting the proper level of Testosterone. So I bought a new bed yesterday.

When my alarm clock went off this morning, I had to re-learn how to properly get up. It really isn't easy sleeping on a bed of nails. I enjoyed my shower, the scalding water making it easier to peel off the dirty skin using steel wool. The steam from the water seared my sinuses, allowing me to breathe much easier. My pores have never been more unclogged.

Before I left for work, I ate breakfast, and I must say I really love Cap'n Crunch! I think the added tang of blood, resulting from the cereal shredding the roof of my mouth, is quite a delicacy.

I kicked a cat on my way to the car, and blew down the freeway at high rates of speed, screeching into the parking lot while leaving approximately 1/7th of my tire's tred permanently on the pavement.

Scratching and spitting, I walked to my office, grabbed a non-fat non-caff latte and started work.

Speaking of babes in the woods – Diana Kauffman.

I had a discussion at lunch…

about people's kneejerk puritanical reaction to things that can be considered offensive. We live in such an annoying PC environment (politically correct you geeks), it is becoming unbearable. Ever since the Janet Jackson "incident" a couple of years ago, people get bent out of shape over things that I really believe they have no business getting bent about.

Case in point:

This picture is considered acceptable as wallpaper on my computer:



This is not:



I don't see the logic here at all, and am stunned that someone would take offense to the second picture.

People just need to get over themselves. If you find something such as a movie, television show, or computer wallpaper offensive – Walk away. Do something else. Leave me alone. If I am corrupting my mind let me do it in peace. This is not the savage lands where the missionaries bring christianity and morality to the uneducated masses! You have the 1st Amendment right as an American to share your opinions, and I have the right to ignore it and watch what I want to watch!

There are people who get all wound up over the negative influences presented by our media – smoking, drag racing, killing, etc. Apparently kids today are completely incapable of separting fantasy or fiction from reality. Incidents of teens killing themselves road racing were being blamed on movies such as "The Fast and the Furious"; the teens from the Columbine massacre were supposedly influenced by video games "Doom" and "Quake". C'mon!!! Wake up! I was a teenager in the 80's (No, not the 1880's) – How's this for my influences: The A-Team, Dukes of Hazzard, SWAT, Smokey and the Bandit. There is more violence and reckless driving in that list than most shows or movies out there today. But I never saw anyone blaming killings on someone acting out what they saw on the A-Team, or reckless road racing being blamed on the Dukes. Were we that much smarter than them? I highly doubt it.

So... go forth and watch Porn! You will be unable to control yourself! OK, fine. That's extreme. Watch Honey and be driven to become a hip hop dancer.

Red Alert!

Ever since I was in high school, these were the code words my best friends and I used before shocking one another with outlandish or highly humorous news or other information. So when you see this headline from now on– be prepared for anything!

There's going to be a wedding! No, not mine. Here's the Red Alert: According to my sources, the cost of this wedding currently is sitting at ±$40,000. Yes, you read that right. Now some of you elite types are probably saying to yourselves "That's not a big deal", but consider some of the facts:

As last I was informed, the groom's invitation list had been restricted to around 50. So, if we are to assume the bride's family has at least some sense of equality, that means the guest list is going to average 100-125.

If I throw out some ballpark numbers (most of which should be on the high side) we get:

Wedding gown: $1000
Photographer/Video: $2000
Reception Hall: $1000
Flowers: $1000
DJ: $750

Total: $5750

That leaves $34,500. Let's throw another $4500 out there for a limo and other sundries (cake, etc.). That leaves $30,000 for what... food for a hundred guests? Psst... that's $300 per plate!

Damn... I can't wait for this shindig! At $300 a plate, are you allowed seconds?

For perspective, here's what a little Internet research turned up:

NEW YORK (CNN/Money) - Engaged couples can expect to hear more than the "bling bling" bouncing off the bride-to-be's ring -- they'll also hear the ka-ching of the cash register as the average cost of a wedding soars to $26,327, according to a new survey. – May, 2005

I should note that the cost listed there includes the cost of the rings. I don't think the bride's family is paying for the rings in this case, but I could be wrong. Ahhh, the price of young love!

I miss my friend.

I haven't spoken to him in a while, and though the situation between us is rather untenable right now, it doesn't make it suck any less.

I am a pop culture freak. That means I love television shows, music, movies – and he is the one I usually enjoy these things with. A lot people in Sacramento know me as Bam Bam, a spokesperson for Sacticket. I host advanced screenings of movies before they hit the theaters. He is usually there as my guest. There are certain TV shows we have enjoyed together on a regular basis: Lost, Alias, Gilmore Girls, Smallville, Veronica Mars – all of which I don't get to share with him.

Should he read this, I hope he is well, and he should know that if he needs anything all he has to do is call. I am not going anywhere.

On a happier note, I found this great picture of Wimbledon Champ Maria Sharipova. Enjoy.

NFL Sunday…

There is something seriously to be said for sitting back and simply enjoying the NFL on Sunday. Now I have to admit that I am not the biggest football fan in the world (yes, I do own a Guy Card). A lot of the time I find myself ready to go out and do something – sometimes anything – when the games start to stagnate, but I also can simply revel in rooting for the Redskins or reviling the 49ers. That's fun. That's American.

Last night was the final performance of Hedwig. Well, except for the encore performance next Saturday night (already sold out with over 25 turnaways) last night was "officially" the closing of the show. It was a unique theater experience for me. Let me see if I can explain.

Mostly through theater, I have met and am friends with quite a few people who are gay, some openly and some not so much. I do not have any problems with this. I really believe this is an issue which should have no voice in a public forum, as it simply is a matter between two individuals. I do not believe anybody – ANYBODY – has the right to judge Paul because he is in love with Steve rather then Cindy. His feelings for someone else have nothing to do with anyone else (notwithstanding the ever present love triangles and jilted lovers), regardless of our own beliefs. If you want to play the "Moral God Card", I believe you can present your case to Paul and see if you can convince him of the "error in his ways", but it is not OK to try to force him to your way of thinking. We put people in jail for gay bashing. I believe all the effort going into pursuing legislation banning gay marriage and impeding the civil rights of gay and lesbians is nothing but a white collar version of gay bashing. We are trying to penalize others simply because of the way they feel.

Like I said, I have friends who are gay and lesbian, but I had never been in an environment which was predominantly gay and lesbian. I was suddenly in the minority, and though I was made to feel very welcome, it was a little discomforting at first. Why? I just explained my stance on homosexuality, and I stand by my convictions. I am not a naive person, so I was not suddenly entering a situation uninformed. Nobody was making any overt advances toward me. So why should I feel uncomfortable? As I write this, right this second it becomes clear to me: I am a 40 year old white guy who grew up in an All American family – Parents who are still married after 45 years, my father a retired Air Force First Sergeant and my mother a church going Southener, my last name is about as whitebread as you can get, and most of my friends are straight. This is truly the first time I have EVER been in the minority. It's that simple. And that was the discomforting part.

To the cast and crew of Hedwig, I salute you on a job well done! The show kicked some major tuckus. And to Kevin "Hedwig" Leonard I say a special Bravo! Actor to actor it was great to watch you command the role so completely you never broke character, no matter what was thrown at you. Awesome!

Next up for me: Being the percussionist for Garbeau's Christmas Show. Time to start getting my jingle bells warmed up.

Wow, that sounded... almost dirty.

This just in...

A couple in Arkansas just welcomed their SIXTEENTH child into the world. OK, this just about puts every single redneck joke to the test:

Father's name: Jim Bob
Mother's hairstyle: Mullet
All kids have names starting with the letter "J" including Jedidiah and Jackson Levi.
The mother has said she wants MORE!

The father apparently recently lost a bid for the U.S. Senate, so is apparently trying to birth constitutents to vote for him.



I guess Monty Python had it right with "Every Sperm is Sacred".

Elizabethtown

Saw a screening for this last night. It is a very good film. Cameron Crowe continues to amaze me (notwithstanding the abysmal "Vanilla Sky") and I always end up watching his movies several times. He is in that elite class of writers who know how to write characters who you want to know more about and completely root for.

I was asked to work overtime today, so I got into the office at 6am... before the sun came up. On several levels, that just isn't right. Even if I followed my circadian rhythm I am supposed to sleep until the sun comes up. I tell ya', it ain't natural.

My brother gets up at 4:30 every frickin' morning. No, he isn't a farmer. He just likes to get up that early. I think it is a deep seated need to emulate my father. It couldn't be my mother, or else he would need to take a 3 hour nap every Sunday afternoon.

A belated public Happy Birthday to my niece Amanda, who turned 12 this week. No I didn't forget her birthday, I just didn't put it in the public forum.

Happy Wednesday to all.

Columbus Day…

Which is Italian for "Let's get lost, kill some natives, and go home heroes so that one day our descendants will celebrate our ineptitude…"

Happy Monday to all. Here is Kate Brenner – what a cutie.

This just in...

Scott Peterson is trying to collect the money from Laci Peterson's life insurance.

Excuse me? If I burn down my store to collect on its insurance, that's called insurance fraud. If he tries to make this claim, after being convicted of killing her, can he not be indicted for the same thing?

Someone let me know, I am curious.

I love the fall

TV season. Some of the best writers in Hollywood are working in television, and we get the benefit of that in the form too many shows to feasibly watch. For me, Tuesday night is for Lost and Veronica Mars. Sucks they are on against each other, but I am lucky to have a dual tuner.

Obviously, Man is a unique mammal in the animal kingdom. It amazes me that we as a species have become such an advanced scientific civilization while at the same time exhibiting such incredibly stupid behavior. One needs to only hold up today's top news stories: Another US Marine is among 13 killed in an ongoing war, scientists have a new vaccine which can prevent cervical cancer, 2 different celebrity couples are reported to be breaking up while a third couple are expecting a baby, there are DVDs which can store 17.1GB of data, and the world waits with baited breath as a 21 year old pop star tries to redeem herself from a lip-synching fiasco. All of these topics are considered news... reminds me of the great Sesame Street pop hit of my childhood -- "One of these Things is not Like the Others".

In the US alone, we are spending thousands upon thousands of dollars arguing in congress and the courts over things which we have no business arguing over -- gay rights, abortion, assisted suicide, to name a few. Why aren't we spending every last resource at our disposal to make sure our kids are safe, our homeless are taken care of, the weak are protected from the bullies, hard working people have the health care they deserve, and that we can look upon the most powerful and successful goverment the world has ever seen -- one that makes even the incredible accomplishments of the Roman Empire seem trivial -- with pride and trust rather than disdain and worry?

I am proud to live here, and I tell anyone who gripes that if they don't like it go somewhere else. I just wish we (the whole nation) would (or could) just take a couple of steps back and re-examine what really is worth fighting for, which topics are a matter of public concern, and which are best left alone. Stop peering over your neighbor's fence and mow your own damn lawn!

Oh, by the way, Alias and Smallville on tonight... Yeah!

October...

Wow, another month, another year, another season. My niece turns 12 this weekend – I felt bones creak.

It is truly a strange physiological experience for me that I don't feel "normal" until after 10am, regardless of the amount of sleep I get, either 2 or 10 hours. I come to work and feel just "blah". I go about my business, but have a general fog over my head.

It's 11am now... I'm allright.

Oops…

Tonight I pulled a "doozie" as my Mother would say. We decided during intermission this evening to add a few sound effects to enhance some of the humor on stage. After all, I have an electric drum kit with over a thousand different voices including a whole barrage of sound effects, why not?

So I jumped on my throne (drummers all have thrones... not sure why. We aren't that royal -- unless THAT is followed by "pain in the a$$"), and programmed the additional kit into my chain (a chain in this sense is a setting that allows me to put a series of different kits together and access them quickly at the touch of a button without having to scroll through all of the kits). Well the effects went off without a hitch, and a good time was had by all, until...

The last song of the show. A big, classic rock ballad finale which brings the house down. The song starts off with the strum of the electric guitar and a vocalist, and at the end of the first verse, there is this supposed to be this huge "BOOM BOOM BOOM" fill on my toms from high to low (loses a little effect without audio, but go with it). Well tonight, Hedwig gets to the end of the verse and I cut lose with "Bird Chirp, Dog Bark, Cartoon Sproing". Yeah, nice and climactic.

I recovered quickly, and thankfully the audience was forgiving and didn't lose it, although the guitar player almost swallowed his gum. To my fellow bandmates, I'm sorry, and THAT won't happen again.

Saw Serenity for the second time today, and it still left me just as emotional as the first time I saw it. Joss Whedon, I applaud you and I hope you get the recognition you deserve for this amazing work. You make me want to be a better writer.