Today's chuckle...

Kristin has done it again!!! Thanks...

This is one of the best clean jokes I' ve seen in awhile!

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better
on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering. Finally fed up, God said, "THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.

They moused.
They faxed.
They e-mailed.
They e-mailed with attachments.
They downloaded.
They did spreadsheets!
They wrote reports.
They created labels and cards.
They created charts and graphs.
They did some genealogy reports
They did every job known to man.

Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster
than hell. Then, ten minutes before their time was up,
lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled,
rain poured, and, of course, the power went off. Satan
stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the
underworld. Jesus just sighed.

Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them
restarted their computers. Satan started searching
frantically, screaming:

"It's gone! It's all GONE! "I lost everything when the
power went out!"
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his
files from the past two hours of work.
Satan observed this and became irate.

"Wait!" he screamed. "That's not fair! He cheated!
How come he has all his work and I don't have any?"

God just shrugged and said,

"JESUS SAVES"

Almost almost famous

I went to a movie screening last night for "Rocket Science". I give the movie 3.5 stars out of 5. Very funny movie, but not quite a great payoff. You might want to put it in your Netflix cue.

Afterwards, my hetero-life partner and I walked across the street to one of the better hamburger stands in Sacramento, Willie's Burgers. After ordering, I filled up my soda and was looking for a place to sit when a cute girl asks "Were you in the movie 'Fugitive Hunter'?"


Double take. Seriously, I was actually stunned for a second before answering her. Stunned because she actually saw the movie, and double stunned because she was so cute. Yes, this is a partial pic of her (don't want to embarrass anyone without their permission). We chatted for a while and it made the evening pretty damn good. So "J" - Thanks!

In other news, buy your Mega Lotto tickets for this Friday. Current prize is a measly $325 million dollars. That should tide you over thru the long holiday weekend.

Ron Artest, forward for the Sacramento Kings, has lent his aid and support to Michael Vick. In case you don't remember, Artest was forced to sit out most of the 2004-05 season for the huge brawl in Detroit. OK, Artest is working hard to change his image, and I applaud that. But let's keep in mind there is a huge difference between these two situations: Artest has/had a very volatile temper and ultimately suffers/suffered from impulse control. This is akin to the same impulse control a substance abuse addict might have. Michael Vick has a very skewed moral compass which wasn't influenced by impulse control. At least for me it is going to take a pretty severe demonstration of beliefs before I am ready to give Vick the benefit of the doubt.

Today's quotable quote from my friend Kristin: "Some people are really, truly crushed when they realize I'm not perfect." Love it! In case you were wondering, yes she was being sarcastic.

** Follow Up:**
I was asked by a commenter to follow up a bit on the faux-celebrity sighting - "J" saw Fugitive Hunter after working with another actor from the film in a show. Since the original posting, "J" and I have exchanged several emails.

Techno Geeks of the world...

Your ship has come in! Enjoy.

Thanks Rob.

Did someone follow up with the question

"Are you kidding me?"

ATLANTA (AP) - An NAACP leader said Michael Vick should be allowed to return to the NFL, preferably the Atlanta Falcons, after serving his sentence for his role in a dogfighting operation.

"As a society, we should aid in his rehabilitation and welcome a new Michael Vick back into the community without a permanent loss of his career in football," said R.L. White, president of the NAACP's Atlanta chapter. "We further ask the NFL, Falcons, and the sponsors not to permanently ban Mr. Vick from his ability to bring hours of enjoyment to fans all over this country."

White said the Falcons quarterback made a mistake and should be allowed to prove he has learned from that mistake.

"Are you kidding me?"

A person who is addicted to drugs or alcohol makes decisions influenced by the depth of their addiction - stealing to get money for drugs, drunk driving, etc. Once rehabilitated, giving someone a chance to get their life back on track is an act of compassion.

Michael Vick was not driven by a chemical induced haze or the manic state of an addiction. He willingly participated in and financed an operation of extreme human cruelty. It would be an incredible leap of faith to accept any apology of remorse he utters as nothing more than a token gesture of goodwill recommended by his agent and attorney. Allowing Vick to play football again would be an act of stupidity.

Pete Rose was banned from both baseball and the Hall of Fame for betting on the game*. Whether or not you believe this is just, it is a fact. Michael Vick electrocuted and drowned dogs who didn't perform well in dog fights he financed. Do you think his punishment should be any less?

For more educational information on this abuse, this link is very informative.

* Technically, he hasn't been banned from the Hall of Fame, but the odds of him getting in are slim to none. (Thanks Rob for correcting me. Nothing quite like people acting smarter than the owner of the blog! - insert cheesy smirk here)

Today's chuckle...

Thanks to Cheryl for this one. Wait, that's two from her... if she isn't careful, she might get accused of having a sense of humor...

Nah... that's not going to happen -

I have read/heard this one before, but it just made me laugh this morning for some reason.

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.

"We missed the R ! We missed the R ! We missed the R !"

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"

With a choking voice, the old abbot replies,

"The word was...CELEBRATE!"

Poser...

For my myriad of friends who are into math and physics (and rocket science) -

A US Air Force C-5 Galaxy has a cargo bay of 121 ft., easily enough distance for two guys to play a reasonable game of catch with a baseball. So...

The plane is cruising at 500 mph (little slower than average).

Bob is at the tail end of the hold, and throws the ball at 60 mph to Ted in the front end.

Ted's return throw is also at 60 mph.

How fast is the ball really traveling?

I really want to know... and ya' gotta' give me some explanations.

Wowzers!!!

This is for anyone who appreciates and enjoys Texas Hold 'Em. This is truly the most incredible hand I have seen played.

An Amazing Hand Of Poker - Watch more free videos

Oops...

Forgot to update you all on my poker shenanigans last Friday. Well, I came in 3rd. Not my best outing, but I didn't suck. My last hand I had an Ace high flush and lost to a full house. I believe I played well. Oh well, there's always next time.

I finally have solved one of the eternal mysteries of our time - namely the one which poses the question "Which is the fastest lane?" Whether it is being in line at the bank, driving in rush hour traffic, or buying tickets to a movie I have come up with the definitive answer: Whichever one I am NOT in!

How does this happen? I need to make a quick deposit into my checking account - a 90 second process. Yet inevitably I find myself behind 2 other people, each of whom need to not only deposit funds in seventeen different accounts, but need to speak to the customer service manager personally because the teller didn't add the numbers up fast enough. 37 minutes later, I move up one spot! Even worse, stuck in rush hour traffic in a car which currently doesn't have air conditioning (nice!), I notice the next lane over moving at a brisk pace. I wait to make my move, suddenly accelerate into the next lane, then slam on the brakes as the traffic comes to a complete halt. I glance over to the other lane and watch as the car 17 places back cruises on by at 65 mph.

Here is Charity. No, that's her name. She was a model/spokesperson for Sports by Brooks and now has her own show titled The Best Years. My opinion? I think she is breathtaking - and has some pretty good charisma on screen.

Today's chuckle...

Thanks again to Kristin! Keep up the hysterical work...

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6 year old. " I think its about time we started cussing."

The 4 yr old nods his head in approval.

The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell. And you say something with ass."...

The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast he replies, "Aw hell Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."

Whack!!! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, hops up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. She locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay in there until I let you out."

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 yr old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man???????"

"I don't know, " he says, "but you can bet your fat ass it wont be Cheerios."

You can bank on this!

In an interview regarding Nicole Richie's recently announced pregnancy, Paris Hilton proclaims "“I know she’s going to be the best mom ever."

Yeah, I can see that. Hopefully the upcoming four day prison sentence teaches her a thing or two (please read with dripping sarcasm).

In other news, two days after paying way too much to get my car fixed (I wasn't overcharged, just had to pay more than I wanted to), it's back in the shop. Damn AC. Luckily we are in the midst of a really unseasonable spell of not too hot weather.

Tomorrow night is another poker night. Let's see if I can keep my streak of 1 win going.

Today's chuckle...

Thanks Kristin.

A guy was seated next to a 10-year-old girl on an airplane. Being bored, he turned to the girl and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The girl, who was reading a book, closed it slowly and said to the guy, "What would you like to talk about?"
Oh, I don't know," said the guy. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff... grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat
patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
The guy thought about it and said, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the girl replied, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh*t?"

Imagine if he asked for $1.00

From the Associated Press:

CINCINNATI - A woman shot and killed a panhandler who asked her for 25 cents, police say.

“He asked her for a quarter,” Police Chief Tom Streicher said. “That’s apparently all there was to it.”

Donald Francis, who police believe was homeless, stood outside a gas station late Monday asking people for money. Geraldine Beasley had complained about Francis to someone else, and when he approached her she pulled out a gun and shot him, police said.

Francis, 44, died at the scene.

Beasley, 62, was charged with murder and on Wednesday was ordered held in lieu of $500,000 bail, according to court documents. Her attorney, Mass Ionna, told Municipal Court Judge Fanon Rucker that his client has mental issues.

Beasley’s court record dates back 15 years with traffic charges, eviction cases and civil judgments both for and against her. She was fined in 2003 for improperly transporting a loaded gun after officers found one in her van.

Sometimes the humor in a story stands out all by itself...

HOLY CRAP!!!

This is hysterical! Thanks Julia.

I truly am stunned...

As a follow up to an article I posted almost 2 years ago, check this out:

From the Associated Press, August 2, 2007

LITTLE ROCK - An Arkansas couple had a baby daughter Thursday — their 17th child and seventh girl — and the pair say they're still not ready to give it a rest.

Jennifer Danielle was born at 10:01 a.m. at a hospital in Rogers, Arkansas, Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar said in an interview.

"We'd love to have more," Michelle said, referring to baby girls. "We love the ruffles and lace."

Jennifer joins the fast-growing Duggar brood, who live in a 7,000-square-foot (650-square-meter) home in Tontitown. All the children — whose names start with the letter J — are taught at home.

The oldest is 19 and the youngest, before Jennifer, is almost 2 years old.

"We are just so grateful to God for another gift from him," said Jim Bob Duggar, a former state representative. "We are just so thankful to him that everything went just very well."

Jennifer joins siblings: Joshua, 19; John David, 17; Janna, 17; Jill, 16; Jessa, 14; Jinger, 13; Joseph, 12; Josiah, 11; Joy-Anna, 9; Jedidiah, 8; Jeremiah, 8; Jason 7; James 6; Justin, 4; Jackson, 3; Johannah, almost 2.

Michelle Duggar said she started feeling contractions Wednesday night and went to the hospital at about 5 a.m. Thursday.

"It actually went fast," she said. "I guess once I started progressing, it went within 30 minutes."*

The Duggars have been featured on several programs on cable television's Discovery Health Network. The next special, the Duggar Family Album, is scheduled to air next month, Jim Bob Duggar said.

Among the "fun facts" listed on Discovery Health's Web page devoted to the Duggars: A baby has been born in every month except June; the Duggars have gone through an estimated 90,000 diapers, and Michelle has been pregnant for 126 months — or 10.5 years — of her life.

* - "It actually went fast..." NO kidding. After 16 kids, I am surprised the kid didn't spend most of the gestation period holding on to the umbilical cord like a mountain climber, trying to stay inside until she was done cooking (that's a pretty funny visual).

Seriously, though this seems pretty astonishing in the 21st century that a couple would want that many kids, this family has it together. Believe it or not, according to The Discovery Channel website (who has an entire show devoted to the Duggars), the family is debt free. That's a pretty good accomplishment no matter how large the family is.

Friday Beautification...

Here is Amber Heard. She was recently seen in the CW Series "Hidden Palms".

Today's chuckle...

A guy dies and goes to heaven. It's a slow day for St. Peter, so upon passing the entrance test, St. Peter says...

"I'm not very busy today. Why don't you let me show you around?"

The guy thinks it's a great idea and graciously accepts the offer. St. Peter shows him all the sights: the golf course, reading room, library, observation room, cafeteria and, finally, a HUGE room full of clocks.

"What's up with those clocks, Peter?"

"Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the Gates to be judged."

The guy thinks this makes sense, but notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others. He asks why that is.

"Every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds up his clock." This also makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around the room before leaving and notices one clock in the center of the ceiling. On this clock, both hands are spinning at an unbelievable rate.

"What's the story with that clock?"

"Oh, that," St. Peter replies. "That's Bill Clinton's clock. We decided to use it as a fan."