Today's chuckle...

Wow... Good thing she is pretty. For those who don't know, Kelly Pickler was an American Idol contestant who has garnered some fame as a Country Western Artist. I love the comment on Break.com about this: "You got to love this chick but honestly if this was Are You Smarter Than A Rock I would of gone with the rock."

Today's Chuckle...

Thanks Kelli.

Check out this video: a HYSTERICAL phone prank

My Holiday Treat --

Hey, what can I say, I love me some holiday music. Here's over 12 hours of streaming festiveness. Enjoy!

I also added a couple of other channels, and plan on adding more. I seriously recommend the Spock's Beard! If you can spend the time, this music is definitely worth the effort.

Today's chuckle...part 2

Thanks Kristin.

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the testimonials of a few people who did...

• I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word. He knew better.
  
  
• I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good- looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."
  
  
• My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
  
  
• Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month- old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said, "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled. "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
  
  
• This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any? A true story. We had a female news anchor who the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too!
  
  
• While on a flight from New York, the Stewardess was busy passing out peanuts and cokes to everyone. There were about sixteen flights lined up waiting to get clearance to take off. Then the other Stewardess got a message from the Pilot that the tower said the wind had changed 180 degrees and they were first in line to take off, and to have everyone buckle up. Without thinking she just announced "Please buckle up, grab your drinks and hold your nuts, we're taking off", No one saw her for the rest of the flight to Houston , and all the other Stewardesses were laughing all the way and half of the passengers.

Today's chuckle...

Thanks Ashley.

Sensitive Man
A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment. She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall! It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears. She is quite impressed by his sensitive side. but doesn't mention this to him. They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking, 'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?' She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love. She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well,how was it?"

The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says: "Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf."

Some things to ponder...

I was sent this by niece Amanda. My reply follows. I welcome your comments on this, and as long as they are valid opinions well stated, I will not censor them.

A science professor begins his school year with a lecture to the students, "Let me explain the problem science has with religion." The atheist professor of philosophy pauses before his class and then asks one of his new students to stand.

"You're a Christian, aren't you, son?"

"Yes sir," the student says.

"So you believe in God?"

"Absolutely."

"Is God good?"

"Sure! God's good."

"Is God all-powerful? Can God do anything?"

"Yes."

"Are you good or evil?"

"The Bible says I'm evil."

The professor grins knowingly. "Aha! The Bible!" He considers for a moment. "Here's one for you. Let's say there's a sick person over here and you can cure him. You can do it. Would you help him? Would you try?"

"Yes sir, I would."

"So you're good...!"

"I wouldn't say that."

"But why not say that? You'd help a sick and maimed person if you could. Most of us would if we could. But God doesn't."

The student does not answer, so the professor continues. "He doesn't, does he? My brother was a Christian who died of cancer, even though he prayed to Jesus to heal him. How is this Jesus good? Hmmm? Can you answer that one?"

The student remains silent.

"No, you can't, can you?" the professor says. He takes a sip of water from a glass on his desk to give the student time to relax.

"Let's start again, young fella. Is God good?"

"Er...yes," the student says.

"Is Satan good?"

The student doesn't hesitate on this one. "No."

"Then where does Satan come from?"

The student falters. "From God"

"That's right. God made Satan, didn't he? Tell me, son. Is there evil in this world?"

"Yes, sir."

"Evil's everywhere, isn't it? And God did make everything, correct?"

"Yes."

"So who created evil?" The professor continued, "If God created everything, then God created evil, since evil exists, and according to the principle that our works define who we are, then God is evil."

Again, the student has no answer. "Is there sickness? Immorality? Hatred? Ugliness? All these terrible things, do they exist in this world?"

The student squirms on his feet. "Yes."

"So who created them?"

The student does not answer again, so the professor repeats his question. "Who created them?" There is still no answer. Suddenly the lecturer breaks away to pace in front of the classroom. The class is mesmerized. "Tell me," he continues onto another student. "Do you believe in Jesus Christ, son?"

The student's voice betrays him and cracks. "Yes, professor, I do."

The old man stops pacing. "Science says you have five senses you use to identify and observe the world around you. Have you ever seen Jesus?"

"No sir. I've never seen Him."

"Then tell us if you've ever heard your Jesus?"

"No, sir, I have not."

"Have you ever felt your Jesus, tasted your Jesus or smelt your Jesus? Have you ever had any sensory perception of Jesus Christ, or God for that matter?"

"No, sir, I'm afraid I haven't."

"Yet you still believe in him?"

"Yes."

"According to the rules of empirical, testable, demonstrable protocol, science says your God doesn't exist. What do you say to that, son?"

"Nothing," the student replies. "I only have my faith."

"Yes, faith," the professor repeats. "And that is the problem science has with God. There is no evidence, only faith."

The student stands quietly for a moment, before asking a question of His own. "Professor, is there such thing as heat?"

"Yes," the professor replies. "There's heat."

"And is there such a thing as cold?"

"Yes, son, there's cold too."

"No sir, there isn't."

The professor turns to face the student, obviously interested. The room suddenly becomes very quiet. The student begins to explain. "You can have lots of heat, even more heat, super-heat, mega-heat, unlimited heat, white heat, a little heat or no heat, but we don't have anything called 'cold'. We can hit up to 458 degrees below zero, which is no heat, but we can't go any further after that. There is no such thing as cold; otherwise we would be able to go colder than the lowest -458 degrees."

"Every body or object is susceptible to study when it has or transmits energy, and heat is what makes a body or matter have or transmit energy. Absolute zero (-458 F) is the total absence of heat. You see, sir, cold is only a word we use to describe the absence of heat. We cannot measure cold. Heat we can measure in thermal units because heat is energy. Cold is not the opposite of heat, sir, just the absence of it."

Silence across the room. A pen drops somewhere in the classroom, sounding like a hammer.

"What about darkness, professor. Is there such a thing as darkness?"

"Yes," the professor replies without hesitation. "What is night if it isn't darkness?"

"You're wrong again, sir. Darkness is not something; it is the absence of something. You can have low light, normal light, bright light, flashing light, but if you have no light constantly you have nothing and it's called darkness, isn't it? That's the meaning we use to define the word."

"In reality, darkness isn't. If it were, you would be able to make darkness darker, wouldn't you?"

The professor begins to smile at the student in front of him. This will be a good semester. "So what point are you making, young man?"

"Yes, professor. My point is, your philosophical premise is flawed to start with, and so your conclusion must also be flawed."

The professor's face cannot hide his surprise this time. "Flawed? Can you explain how?"

"You are working on the premise of duality," the student explains. "You argue that there is life and then there's death; a good God and a bad God. You are viewing the concept of God as something finite, something we can measure. Sir, science can't even explain a thought."

"It uses electricity and magnetism, but has never seen, much less fully understood either one. To view death as the opposite of life is to be ignorant of the fact that death cannot exist as a substantive thing. Death is not the opposite of life, just the absence of it."

"Now tell me, professor. Do you teach your students that they evolved from a monkey?"

"If you are referring to the natural evolutionary process, young man, yes, of course I do."

"Have you ever observed evolution with your own eyes, sir?"

The professor begins to shake his head, still smiling, as he realizes where the argument is going. A very good semester, indeed.

"Since no one has ever observed the process of evolution at work and cannot even prove that this process is an on-going endeavor, are you not teaching your opinion, sir? Are you now not a scientist, but a preacher?"

The class is in uproar. The student remains silent until the commotion has subsided.

"To continue the point you were making earlier to the other student, let me give you an example of what I mean."

The student looks around the room. "Is there anyone in the class who has ever seen the professor's brain?" The class breaks out into laughter.

"Is there anyone here who has ever heard the professor's brain, felt the professor's brain, touched or smelt the professor's brain? No one appears to have done so. So, according to the established rules of empirical, stable, demonstrable protocol, science says that you have no brain, with all due respect, sir."

"So if science says you have no brain, how can we trust your lectures, sir?"

Now the room is silent. The professor just stares at the student, his face unreadable.

Finally, after what seems an eternity, the old man answers. "I guess you'll have to take them on faith."

"Now, you accept that there is faith, and, in fact, faith exists with life," the student continues. "Now, sir, is there such a thing as evil?"

Now uncertain, the professor responds, "Of course, there is. We see it everyday. It is in the daily example of man's inhumanity to man. It is in the multitude of crime and violence everywhere in the world. These manifestations are nothing else but evil."

To this the student replied, "Evil does not exist sir, or at least it does not exist unto itself. Evil is simply the absence of God. It is just like darkness and cold, a word that man has created to describe the absence of God. God did not create evil. Evil is the result of what happens when man does not have God's love present in his heart. It's like the cold that comes when there is no heat or the darkness that comes when there is no light."

The professor sat down.

My Reply:

OK, consider this:

There is a statistic that says that 39% of all traffic fatalities are caused by drunk drivers - a pretty staggering fact.

However, that means that 61% of all traffic fatalities are caused by sober drivers. Therefore my odds are almost 2 to 1 in favor of me driving drunk.

Now we know that this isn't true. But by presenting a statistic or series of statistics from only one side, you can use valid material to make statements which under further scrutiny don't hold up.

There is measurable evidence to this day of evolution. As a species we are taller than our ancestors. We are stronger, faster and more agile. The average life span has more than doubled since early man (and even just a couple of hundred years ago), and not all of this can be attributed to medicine. If you doubt these facts, why do sporting records keep getting beaten?

In the story, the student asks if anyone has seen the professor's brain and jumps to the "conclusion" that you have to faith it exists since no one has seen it. Sorry, but the presence of a brain is a measurable and provable process and doesn't require faith.

I am not trying to sway your beliefs or values. I just want you to be very aware that one side of a story is just that. If you listen to Rush Limbaugh (an ultra-conservative Republican talk show host), he can present very compelling arguments against concepts such as global warming, yet Al Gore (A former Democratic Presidental Candidate and VIce President) can sway you towards his side by watching "An Inconvenient Truth". Before committing entirely to one set of ideals or principles, make your own informed decision by gathering as much evidence as you can on both sides of the argument.

That's just my opinion.

Today's chuckle...part 2

Kelli is on Fire!!

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, “Surely I can’t look that old”? Well, you’ll love this one.

My name is Alice Smith and I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his DDS diploma, which bore his full name.

Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 40-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then? Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought.

This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.

After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High School .
“Yes. Yes, I did. I’m a Mustang,” he gleamed with pride.

“When did you graduate?” I asked.

He answered, “in 1959. Why do you ask?”

“You were in my class!” I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely. Then, that ugly, old, bald, wrinkled, fat ass, gray-haired, decrepit son-of-a-bitch asked, “what subject did you teach?”

Today's chuckle...

Thanks Kelli!

A business man got on an elevator. When he entered, there was a blond already inside who greeted him with a bright, "T-G-I-F."

He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."

She looked puzzled, and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly.

He again answered, "S-H-I-T."
The blond was trying to keep it friendly, so, she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F."
The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-I-T."

The exasperated blond finally decided to explain, "'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank Goodness It's Friday.' Get it duuhhh?"

The man answered, "'S-H-I-T' means "Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday."

Today's chuckle...

Thanks Kristin.

Letter to My Pets:

When I say to move, it means to go someplace else, not to switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in my way.

The dishes with the paw print are yours, and contain your food. All other dishes are mine, and contain my food. Please note that placing your paw print in the middle of MY plate and food does not stake a claim making it YOUR plate and food.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR, and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help in your quest to reach the bottom first, because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think that I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats actually curl up in a ball when they sleep.

It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to one another, Stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out, and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, and try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge of the door and try to pull it open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Honest!!!

Also, I have been using the bathroom by myself for quite some time -- canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

And...I can't stress this one enough...kiss me, THEN go smell the other dog's/cat's behind.

To pacify you, my dear pet less companions, I have posted the following notice on our front door:

Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and then Complain About Our Pets

• The pets live here....YOU DON'T!!
• If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay OFF the furniture. That's why it's called "fur"niture.
• To you, our pets are just animals. To us, they are an adopted son/daughter who happens to be hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

Besides it could be argued that dogs and cats are better than kids because:

• They don't ask for money all the time
• They are easier to train
• They usually come when called
• They don't hang out with drug-using friends
• They don't need a gazillion dollars for a college education

and

• if they get pregnant, you can sell the children. :)

Today's Chuckle...

This just in from my friend Rob:

Go to Google. Search for “google chuck Norris”. Hit “I’m feeling lucky”. Enjoy.

I'm angry...

No, I'm pissed off! Those who know me know I am a pretty laid back guy (thanks to Jeff - my personal Yoda) and not easily angered.

I work as a computer trainer and technical facilities manager (responsible for the maintenance of the computers) for a firm here in Sacramento. My job requires me to wear business casual attire, which is typically defined as such:

Minus the model good looks (I would classify my looks as more - well - caricature), this is fairly typical of how I dress, and have since 1999. One of our clients, a company which requires me to teach offsite at their facility, has a person in charge who has actually complained my attire is too casual. I was just pretty much ordered to go the store to spend money on clothes which fit his definition of business casual.

Let's get this very clear: I don't mind dressing up, and the new shirts I bought are very nice. But until the day my attire affects my ratings as an instructor no one has any business telling me how to dress! I am one of the best instructors not only in Sacramento, but in Northern California, a claim I will gladly back against any and all takers. Spending money on clothes just to please one client is complete bullshit!

Aw crap...

Assassin's Creed For PC Pushed Back To 2008

In a news release today, publisher UbiSoft announced their fall/holiday 2007 line-up of games. One of those games is the long awaited third person action game Assassin's Creed. However while the PS3 and Xbox 360 versions of the game will be coming out this fall, UbiSoft has decided to push back the PC release of the game until early 2008.

Arrghh! More vicarious gaming thru Ken...

OK... Cool news...

Thanks Ken!
Back in 2000, a video was released on the Internet that was truly great - comedy, action, over 10,000 rounds of ammunition, and all the Pinto Beans you could eat - err kill. It was called "Killer Bean 2: The Party".



Apparently Jeff Lew has now almost finished his feature length film "Killer Bean Forever". Here's the Trailer:



My Geek card is out, and I am waving it proudly as I wait for this.

I laughed...

and was slightly turned on by this(insert cheesy grin here).

I WON!!!!!!

Look at this email I just got! I'm so excited - Lunch is on me!

WINNING NOTIFICATION:

You have therefore been approved to claim a total sum of £516,778.00(Five hundred and Sixteen thousand,seven hundred and seventy eight pounds sterling only) To file for your claim, please kindly provide the following informations and send it to our Fiduciary Agent who shall clear you as a winner.(1)FULL NAMES (2)DATE OF BIRTH (3)SEX (4)MARITAL STATUS(5)CONTACT ADDRESS (6)PHONE NUMBERS (7)OCCUPATION MR.CLARKE DAVIS Email:webdraws_103@hotmail.com Goodluck from me and members of staff of The U.K National Lottery.
Yours faithfully,
Mrs.Lucy Baines
ONLINE SUPERVISOR

It's Friday!!!

And a Poker night. I have been reading a book on Poker, now let's see if my comprehension holds up.

I hate that I don't get home before it gets dark now. I still have to take my dog for a walk, and now I get to lug around a flashlight, if for no other reason than to minimize the chance of getting creamed by a car. It's actually very surprising just how few street lamps are on my street. Since I live on the corner, there is one there, but literally there isn't one as far as I can see down the main street.

Next week Assassin's Creed comes out. Yeah, this game is on top of my must buy list! I have been stoked on this one for a couple of years now (a long time coming).

Last week I was asked with very little notice to play drums for a Sunday evening performance of "Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat", on somebody else's kit. Now I have never played the show, but I do know the music. So I took my niece on Saturday and we watched the show, me listening intently on how it was being performed (it was the end of the 9th week of the run, so musically it was very tight). Complete with a lot of breaks and tempo changes, I was feeling sort of unsure so I went back for the regular Sunday matinée and listened again before I took to the throne for my performance. I had about 15 minutes to get used to the kit and ran a couple of the hardest parts with the keyboardist before I was on. I am very pleased to announce I pulled it off! It wasn't my best drumming, but I was solid, and had only one noticeable miscue. I left the theater in a very good mood after being complimented heartily by the cast and crew of the show.

Ahh to be 10 and fearless...

I am wondering just HOW BAD the cafeteria food really is. SING IT JOSIE!

my daughter is a goofball


Thanks Kelli.

The photographer was sure that he was going to see the end of his huskies when the polar bear materialized out of the blue, as it were:

Obviously it was a well-fed Bear...it returned every night that week to play with the dogs.

Thanks to Kristin for sending this to me.

A typical evening in the life of a 40 something bachelor...

Went out after work for a while with two beauties for a drink... or two. That's not the typical part. Mostly due to just busy day to day stuff I rarely get to hang with Kristin and Candice, so last night was a real treat. Here's the typical part: both of them are taken. Damn.