This week's mystery...

The rationale that caused Jerry Jones to sign Terrel Owens. We are still in pre-season and the colossal moron has already been fined close to $10K for missing practice and team meetings!

Having managing to embarass himself and three former teams he was associated with (including a ridiculous touchdown celebration midfield in Texas stadium), what possible logic could be going thru the minds of Dallas' management? His behavior was so corruptible to his last team they benched him for half a season! The only upside of this is that next to the 49ers, the team I hate the most is the Dallas Cowboys, so I am not losing any sleep over this.

"T.O" is a perfect example of everything that is bad in professional athletes. He is a man (in physical terms only) who feels his abilities are so superlative the rules of common sense and decency do not apply to him. And until the last year and a half, when he was benched by both Tampa Bay and Philadelphia, we as a society have put up with it.

Don't get me wrong, I enjoy the hell out of sports, and those who excel at it mostly deserve a piece of the gigantic pie which is the money made by team and stadium owners. What I don't agree with is having to escalate ticket prices under the auspices of being able to pay the gigantic salaries of the players. In any other business, this fiscal logic wouldn't fly. Consider this:

I own a company which makes widgets, a product very popular with consumers. The product is so popular I decide to offer profit sharing to reward my employees for their hard work. After paying out this money, I realize my personal bottom line is now suffering so I raise the price of the widget to cover my loss. Then, my employees, some of which are very talented and specialized, see the increase in price and demand more money. My solution as the owner is to cave to these demands and cover the cost by... raising the price of the widget. Thus a vicious circle is perpetuated. How long would you as a consumer continue to buy the widget? Apparently, you don't seem to care! You want your widget! You need your widget! You have a widget tattooed to your forehead and are completely prepared to call in sick if necessary in order to enjoy your widget!!!!

Religion vs. sports... hmmm... Nah, I find no basis for comparison based on fanaticism.

This just in from the Stupid Criminals Department...

Sadly to say, this one is from my hometown of Sacramento. So, a 17 year old kid was arrested Friday (8/25/06) for trying to pass off counterfeit currency at the California State Fair. Now that in itself isn't the stupid part. Apparently the suspect purchased an item from a Fair vendor and paid with counterfeit, and left in a hasty manner. The vendor inspected the bill closer and realized the fraud and contacted authorities. Here's the stupid part...

The vendor remembered the suspect (and his friends) was carrying a photograph taken from one of the other booths. So authorities went to the photo kiosk and found the picture. In the friends are posing with the suspect holding wads of cash in his hand! I swear the only thing dumber would've been to pose with the victim!

Hmm... 17... old enough to have graduated high school. Which means he would have had to have passed the new California High School Exit Exam. Right... the one where you only have to demonstrate an eighth grade mathematics aptitude... I guess I shouldn't be surprised.

On a positive note - there are still plenty of reasons to stay in California:

More news from those trying to get to heaven...

WATERTOWN, New York (AP) -- The minister of a church that dismissed a female Sunday School teacher after adopting what it called a literal interpretation of the Bible says a woman can perform any job -- outside of the church.

The First Baptist Church dismissed Mary Lambert on August 9 with a letter explaining that the church had adopted an interpretation that prohibits women from teaching men. She had taught there for 54 years.

The letter quoted the first epistle to Timothy: "I do not permit a woman to teach or to have authority over a man; she must be silent."

The Rev. Timothy LaBouf, who also serves on the Watertown City Council, issued a statement saying his stance against women teaching men in Sunday school would not affect his decisions as a city leader in Watertown, where all five members of the council are men but the city manager who runs the city's day-to-day operations is a woman.

"I believe that a woman can perform any job and fulfill any responsibility that she desires to" outside of the church, LaBouf wrote Saturday....

Am I the only one who finds crap like this incredibly irritating? Seriously... telling a woman who has been teaching Sunday school for 54 years she can't anymore because "oh wait... we just found this verse in the Bible" that was written by -- a MAN... several centuries ago... in a country where women to this day aren't allowed to show any exposed skin... even in the Frickin' desert!

This is, in my opinion, one half step up from the belief structure of the Quakers. If you are a person of faith, can you honestly believe that a woman can be a doctor, who interprets symptoms to diagnose and cure your ills; a lawyer, who interprets the law and keeps your ass out of jail; a peace officer or any of a thousand other jobs to include the presidency of companies and even countries -- but is inadequate when it comes to being able to interpret and teach the Bible? Oh wait... let's amend that... it's OK for her to teach women and children... but when that little boy becomes what -- 13? 16? 18? Suddenly this same child can no longer learn anything pertaining to the Bible from a woman?

Again, I am not a stranger to the concept of belief and faith, but I ask you my faithful readers, where is the follow thru logic here? Where is ANY logic here? I challenge even my hardiest of Devil's Advocate friends to be able to rationalize this church's opinion to my satisfaction!

-- Follow up: GREAT Comments from SkyLemming and DBoof! Be sure to check them out.

Update...

Here is what the original billboard looks like. Kudos to the artist who doctored the other photo for so eloquently making his point. C'mon people, wake up! When are we all going to realize a) it's not our business; b) we are in no position to pass judgement; c) it's not our business; and d) there are REAL problems in the world which need our attention and this isn't one of them.

From the "Now THAT'S Faith" department...

I HOPE these people get the point, though I know they won't.

God I hope it doesn't happen...

Tonight would not be a good night for insomnia. It's almost midnight, and damn if I am not pretty wide awake. This does not bode well for me having to get up an hour earlier than the norm for tomorrow (work stuff).

The weekend turned out to be a good one, though I managed to be very busy. I only managed a couple of hours of downtime, and this evening it sort of caught up with me. I have to think hard to recall what I did this evening, meaning I have been pretty much truly vegging out. I watched Kyle XY, but not until 10:30pm. If you haven't seen it, I recommend it. Apparently on Labor Day (next Monday), they are showing the entire first season (only 10 episodes) and ending with the season finale. If you think about it, you might want to check it out.

OK... 12:23. Good night. No really... I mean it. I am going to bed... ah hell, who am I kidding?

Faithful readers (of which you are pretty few, but mighty), take care of yourselves and I will report again soon. I think. If I can get some sleep.

Hmmm...

I understand the concept of faith, of belief in God and miracles. But what I don't understand is the point where the "follow thru" in the logic is supposed to come in --

Updated: 6:30 p.m. PT Aug 17, 2006

FOUNTAIN VALLEY, Calif. - As a chocolatier to the rich and famous, Martucci Angiano has posed with many celebrities — but on Thursday she held in her hand a figure that dazzles her more than any Hollywood star.

Workers at Angiano's gourmet chocolate company, Bodega Chocolates, discovered under a vat a 2-inch-tall column of chocolate drippings that they believe bears a striking resemblance to the Virgin Mary.

Since the discovery Monday, Angiano's employees have spent much of their time hovering over the tiny figure, praying and placing rose petals and candles around it.

"I was raised to believe in the Virgin Mary, but this still gives me the chills," Angiano said as she balanced the dark brown figure in her hand. "Everyone should see this."

Kitchen worker Cruz Jacinto was the first to spot the lump of melted chocolate when she began her shift Monday cleaning up drippings that had accumulated under a large vat of dark chocolate.

Chocolate drippings usually harden in thin, flat strips on wax paper, but Jacinto said she froze when she noticed the unusual shape of this cast-off: It looked just like the Virgin Mary on the prayer card she always carries in her right pocket.

‘My eyes went directly to the chocolate’
"When I come in, the first thing I do is look at the clock, but this time I didn't look at the clock. My eyes went directly to the chocolate," said Jacinto, dressed in a hair net and apron as she paused from her work. "I thought, 'Am I the only one who can see this? I picked it up and I felt emotion just come over me. For me, it was a sign."

Nick Ut / AP Cruz Jacinto, an employee at Bodega Chocolates, holds a piece of chocolate believed to bear the likeness of the Virgin Mary and the prayer card she carries with a portrait of the Virgin Mary in Fountain Valley on Thursday.

The chocolate, on display for most of the week in the front of the company gift shop, now rests in a plastic case in a back room and is brought out only for curious visitors.

The stack of hardened confection has a wide base and tapers gently toward a rounded top, giving the appearance of a female figure with her head tilted slightly to the right. The dark brown melting chocolate hardened into subtle layers that resemble the folds of a gown and a flowing veil.

A tiny white circle, about the size of a pencil eraser, sits in the upper center of the creation, just above a slight ridge that runs across it. Cruz says the white speck is the head of the Baby Jesus as he is held in Mary's folded arms.

For Jacinto, the discovery came just in time. The single mother has struggled with marital problems for months and says she was about to lose her faith.

‘This has given me renewed faith’
"I have big problems right now, personally, and lately I've been saying that God doesn't exist," she said, pulling the dog-eared prayer card out of her pocket. "This has given me renewed faith."

Angiano, who co-owns the 10-year-old company with her sister, has rubbed shoulders with plenty of stars in her job.

The gourmet boutique runs booths at all the big awards shows, including the Emmys, the Golden Globes, the Oscars, the Country Music Awards and the Latin Grammys. Pictures of Angiano with top celebrities — and her chocolates — line the office walls.

But this week's brush with the image of a 2,000-year-old idol has left even Angiano star-struck.

"That's our Oscar right there," she said.

So, the follow thru logic should be: "If God wants to make his presence known, why hide it on the bottom, waste area of a vat of chocolate?" If you ask me, that's just bad marketing.

This found by my friend Jeff:

From Phat Phree :

Seriously, Get This Sweater Off Me!
Posted: 11/28/2005 by: Justin Wood

I mean it, I feel ridiculous. Get it off.

Lady, just because your boyfriend doesn’t want to settle down, doesn’t mean you should pretend that I’m a real baby in hopes that he’ll play along in your twisted game of “house”. I promise you’re scaring him off, and it makes you look insane. Think about it, you dress me like a Gap employee and tote me around like a damned fashion accessory. It’s disgusting, and you need to get your shit straight. Meantime, you can stop force-feeding me Altoids, you bitch.

While I’m on the record, there are some other things I could do without, you psycho. Yeah, as it turns out, I don’t really care for the ylang-ylang oil massage. It’s not relaxing, it actually hurts and generally creeps me out. In fact, it’s damn close to rape.

Oh, this just in, I’m not actually a fucking vegetarian. Do you honestly think that I prefer couscous and tofu over my lamb and beef nuggets?Lettuce wraps? Are you fucking serious… what is your damage? I would rather eat my own shit, and guess what, when you’re asleep, I do. Then I lick your whore face and laugh about it.

Don’t even get me started on my name. Louis Vuitton? You superficial bitch. Do you have any idea how embarrassing that is? I’m already wearing the gayest sweater since the "Cosby Show", but you insist on naming me after an expensive line of European handbags. Seriously, fuck you. You make me look like a complete pussy and I hate you for it. For real, the next time you try to gel my hair, I will tear a hole in your windpipe. I swear to God I will.

Not that you’d ever fucking notice, but you continue to place me in dangerous situations. Just yesterday at the dog park, I could feel the cold hard stare from a Doberman through my Kenneth Cole double-breasted pea coat. Shit, even the French poodle called me a fag, and he was wearing a beret.

Do you have any idea what would happen to a dog like me at the pound? You don’t even WANT to know. I step in there with even a whiff of CK One on me, and it’s all over.

It pisses me off that you don’t pull this shit on the cat (Although it’s probably because she’s a lesbo). I am really tired of the smug looks I get from that butch-ass feline. Just once I’d like to see you put an ascot around her neck and let her feel what this shit is like. Then she’ll realize it’s not funny, and I’m in real pain here. At the very least you could throw a flannel shirt on that dyike and even it up here, you owe it to me. I promise I will end all nine of her lives if I ever get a chance to chase her without these miniature Steve Madden patent leather urban utility boots strapped on my paws. Not that I’d get far; even without the shoes I still have to battle these Italian micro suede chinos.

Listen lady, I’m at the end of my rope and I’ve been doing a lot of thinking (Yes, there’s a lot of time for that while you watch E!, thumb through your copy of People magazine, stopping occasionally to read the text message on your jewel-encrusted Sidekick). I have decided that I’m running away. I’m going to take my chances on the outside. Tomorrow morning, during doggy yoga, I am fucking gone, baby – and there is nothing you can do to stop me.

The last thing you’ll see is my puckered little asshole as I’m out the door, but not before I leave a hot, soft and juicy turd pile right on my miniature doggy yoga mat – and I’ve got a half a pound of espresso beans and 3 bran muffins for breakfast to make sure it’s a good one.

See you in hell, bitch.

From a friend of mine...

Thanks Drew --

The blond (from the previous post) brings to mind.....

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table . A very attractive blonde woman from Florida arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind , but I feel much luckier when I play topless."

With that, she stripped to the waist, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Southern Girl needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed... "YES! YES!! I WON, I WON!" She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching ."

Moral - Not all Southerners are stupid and not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.

Sunday...

is a day for rest and reflection on the good things in life. Since I have to play drums today, my rest is limited. So I thought I would put my efforts then into reflection. Please reflect on these two beauties:



Unfortunately, I do not have the name of the brunette. She is pretty mesmerizing. The blonde's name is Bobbie Sue Luther -- which means there is no way in hell she was born above the Mason Dixon Line. OK, she was born in Maryland... so much for stereotypes.

What a wonderful world we live in.

It's Friday...

Gotta say, this has been a pretty up and down week.

Work threw a couple of grenades my way, and for the most part I managed to duck and cover appropriately. I did get the company's website up and running to the satisfaction of the Sales Manager (http://www.executrain-sac.com). I got a pay raise and a decrease all in the same day (I won't go into detail on that one here). And I continue to receive high performance reviews from the students on the quality of my instruction.

I lost my wallet on Wednesday. Actually I think I lost it Tuesday afternoon. So after spending all morning Wednesday turning my apartment inside out (and actually cleaning up a lot of things to make sure it wasn't hiding), I got to go to the DMV. The upside? I was out of there in less than 45 minutes -- without an appointment!!!!!! How does that happen?

I did find time to spend an evening with my lady friend, and dispelled any notions that she would destroy me in Scrabble. I got a great steak dinner out of the trip! Gotta' love that! Oh, by the way - stay away from the frozen Cinnabon pastries if you have any delusion about any kind of facsimile of the real thing. Though somewhat tasty, they don't compare even 1/200th to the divinity that is a fresh Cinnabon.

Here's hoping this weekend provides the respite I need to keep from knocking over my brother's gun safe and "venting."

So...

My girlfriend takes "umbrage" at my assertion that my last dog was the best companion ever. Sorry, but as much as I enjoy her company and the things that we do together (no more detail on that will be listed here), I must stand by my assertion.

My girl will counter with "Did she cook for you?" "Did she... more adult stuff here...?" "Did she buy you strawberries and whipped cream?" To which my answer would be No. However, for the years I didn't have a girlfriend, Lucy was the one who would always keep me company, completely loyal and utterly without judgement. I believe that dogs are incredibly empathic. She knew when I was down and was always there. She was the epitome of "Man's Best Friend."

Now before I get the onslaught of comments berating me for picking my dog over my girlfriend, let's be clear on a few things:

1. The dog had 13 years at my side -- Girlfriend has had only 2 months and counting.
2. I never was in a position where I had to choose one over the other, but should that have happened, all extenuating circumstances would have been carefully thought out before a decision would have been made.
3. It is possible to sway said decision with the right combination of food and sexual favors -- though not necessarily at the same time -- I don't have that many towels.

In other news, I just finished my first rehearsal for "Oklahoma!" I actually think I am going to enjoy this quite a bit.

In other news, I still have some issues with my boss that need resolving. I will keep you all posted.

I almost adopted a puppy on Saturday.

My girlfriend and I went to the local SPCA and I sat and played with this 5-month old Australian Shepard mix. Dubbed "Tuffy", he truly was adorable. Despite the prodding and coaxing of my lady, I just couldn't bring myself to do it.

Now don't get me wrong. I have been without a dog for over 10 years, and I miss it terribly. My last dog Lucy passed away several years ago, but she lived at my folks' house. Know that the next dog I get will be an Aussie mix, as she was the best and smartest dog I ever owned.

The simple truth of it is I am a pretty busy guy. Since I live alone, that would mean any pup I get is automatically going to be alone for 8 hours a day, and right now, I am committed to performing a lot through the rest of the year, at least 3 times a week. How can I justify leaving a puppy alone for that long?

"Get two!" they say. Well that isn't a terrible idea, and is very distinct possibility. But I am going to do my very best to wait until the end of the year, after my performing obligations are finished so I can spend as much time as possible training the best companion(s) possible. Maybe for XMAS...

So...

this evening my neighbor (and good friend) and I went to Sam's Club. For the few of you who live not in the real world, Sam's Club is a discount warehouse type store, just like Costco. I don't have a membership there, but Troy does, and since you cannot buy ANYTHING in single guy portions, it makes sense to go with someone who you can split it with. Example: I was low on maple syrup. So we buy the 2 pak of 64oz. Mrs. Butterworth for about $6. Basically we can stock the cubbards for a reasonable price.

It was intimated to me that two guys grocery shopping together was "gay". By intimated I mean when I told another friend that's what I had going on this evening, he said "that's gay!" Did I miss a meeting at the guy club? Someone fill me in -- is there something homoerotic about buying food with another guy that I missed? Am I supposed to sing "Rainbow Connection" now?

Sorry, but I found that notion to be pretty damn funny. To ALL my friends, remember I mean no disrespect -- ever!

Born on the 5th of September, 1940...

I present Raquel Welch. This woman is a month older than my father! As Yoda would say -- "When 65 years old you reach, look as good you will not!"

I was late to work this morning...

because some idiot left their baby in the car unattended.

My routine during the workweek is to swing by the local supermarket right next to my place to get a quick bite to eat and some soda for the day. This morning I pulled up next to a red Volvo station wagon. I got out of my car and there he was... an infant about 6 months old strapped in his car seat -- alone!

My first reaction was to call 911, but I decided instead to go inside. I looked around for someone moving with a sense of urgency (not that it was an excuse) and when I didn't see anyone, I informed the store manager of the situation. He got on the PA system and paged the store for the owner - no response. Twice. By this time I had finished my purchase and was back outside where one lady was calling the police and store employes were considering options on how to get into the car when the owner (who I saw in the store) came out and retrieved the child. He was already knee deep in evil glazes and reprimands, so I got in my car and drove off. But that kind of irresponsibility just blew my mind.

What if I wasn't the one to spot the kid? Another person might've called 911 and the kid taken away from the parents. What if the person had (heaven forbid) evil ideas?

It still was the immortal Keanu Reeves who said it best: "You know, Mrs. Buckman, you need a license to buy a dog, to drive a car - hell, you even need a license to catch a fish. But they'll let any ***-reaming a****** be a father."

It's not safe to own a chili dog anymore..

This from the Toledo Blade.

Article published Friday, August 4, 2006

3 hurt, chili dogs stolen in assault on South Detroit

It seemed like a good idea at the time — some chili dogs after a day at the pool. But the cravings of others apparently were greater.

Johnathon Martin, 18, and three friends headed over to Netty’s, 305 South Fearing Blvd., about 4:10 p.m. Wednesday after spending time at the Highland Park pool. They picked up a sack of eight dogs and were headed back to the pool, 1800 South Ave., to enjoy the franks and wait for their ride home when a group of about 15 people got a whiff of their fare, police said.

At Fearing and South Detroit Avenue, two youths punched Mr. Martin in the face, knocking him to the ground. They went through his pockets looking for cash. Finding none, they grabbed the bag of chili dogs and fled, police said.

Two of Mr. Martin’s friends, a 12-year-old girl and a 15-year-old girl, also were hurt in the food fight. All three were treated at Toledo Hospital.

Imagine what would've happened had they been carrying a bag of Cinnabons©...

Good news for movie fans?

On my way to work this morning, the local news/talk radio station was reporting that "disruptive people in movie theaters could be a thing of the past". Apparently, a pilot program in Antioch, CA (East Bay Area) has installed "call buttons" in the arm rests of the seats which signal a pager on the manager's belt. Instead of having to deal with talking morons yourself, the manager would come and handle it...

Now, as a pretty big guy, I usually don't have much problem quieting someone being discourteous, but once and a while I have actually had people get mad at me over the fact I have asked them to be quiet. This boggles my mind.

One of the DJ's postulated the reason people talk in movies is they have become so used to their TiVos and DVRs they simply forget they can't rewind what is missed when at the movies. Personally, I am not inclined to agree with this. I think we have managed to spawn a generation of kids and young adults who have no sense of consideration. It is a "Me" generation, one which believes they are entitled to automatic respect and anything contrary to that is tantamount to "fighting words." And of course by contrary I mean someone who would have the "righteous indignation" of asking them to be quiet during a movie.

Get real people! Simply turn off the cell phone and don't be annoying. You aren't any more important than anyone else in the room, so be considerate.

Movie memory (to change the subject): The first PG movie I was allowed to see without Parental Supervision was Jaws. I was 11 years old, and my best friend and I went to the local base theater (Air Force Brat) to watch it. I enjoyed this independence and me and my friend were really digging the movie -- until...

Now, I should preface this by saying this movie experience wasn't without its challenges, primarily in the form of a young couple (Teens) sitting directly in front of us. My friend and I were constantly having to adjust our position to see around these "giants" whose heads appeared to be so big they probably had their own orbits, complete with circling satellites.

Back to the movie...

Now Steven Spielberg didn't get to where he is without knowing how to get a reaction out of an audience. Jaws is full of these memorable moments, but none as intense as when the head rolls out of the bottom of the boat. As was appropriate, the audience - every man, woman, and pre-teen moviegoer -- jumped several inches. Well, remember the Jupiter twins (a.k.a. big head teens)? Well as it happened, She was holding a box of popcorn in one hand and a soda in the other (sans lid). She jumped and apparently threw her arms straight up in the air, dousing me with coke and a heavy sprinkling of popcorn. Nice.

I didn't get up to clean myself (the movie was too good), so when I left the popcorn was fused to my clothes with dried soda. I think I actually chafed on the way home.

A lot of fun...

For you movie buffs, this article rates The Top 50 Movie Endings of All Time. They admit in the prologue they "forgot a few", but the list is pretty good. I have two addendums, though I am not sure where they fit in:

1) Raising Arizona. Nicolas Cage's H.I. McDunnough dreams of his future with his wife and family in a true storybook fashion. His final line (not repeated since I know of at least two people who still haven't seen it) is priceless.

2) Joe vs. the Volcano. Not a cinematic classic in any sense of the word ("Brain Cloud"?), but the line "No matter where we go, we're taking this luggage" kills me every time!

After perusing the list, chime in with your favorites.

You know you've got clout...

when 2 of contemporary literature's most established and well known authors plead for you not to kill off your main character in your next book.

That's exactly what Stephen King and John Irving ("The World According to Garp" for you non-readers) did when they asked J.K. Rowling not to kill off Harry Potter in the 7th book, due out next year.

Not bad for a former single mother on welfare...