News from the canine world - July 29

We spent the afternoon at the Big Guy's Parents' house for some kind of family celebration. I don't really know what the deal was, but my buddy Brutus was there, and at least I had someone to play with.

The people tried to get us to go outside and play, but Brutus is one persistent little dude... started jumping at the door and whining until his person let us back in. We decided to do something different...

I love it when Brutus comes over...

Today's chuckle...

Thanks to Cheryl for this - my sister actually sent me something funny... who knew?

Best "Out of Office" Automatic email Replies

1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.

2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

3. Sorry to have missed you, but I am at the doctor's having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.

4. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

5. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.


6. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many individuals did this over and over.)

7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

8. Hi, I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

9. I've run away to join a different circus.

10. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Loretta' instead of 'Steve'.

California STILL...

doesn't have a State budget. This is absolutely ridiculous and unacceptable. I have a solution for this which would ensure we NEVER go without a budget again --

I say we hold one quarter of the Legislators' salary hostage in exchange for the budget. Literally, we do not pay them that money until July 1st, and only if the budget is signed and passed. Start taking a chunk of money directly out of their pockets and I guarantee it will never be an issue again.

'Tis sad...

but I now no longer have any Harry Potter books to look forward to. I read the book on Saturday, and on the one in six billion chance JK Rowling ever stumbles across this blog I would like to thank you for writing such an incredibly endearing and amazing series. In my 40 plus years I can only list a couple of books I have not only read more than once, but I have read all of these at least twice. Incredible.

In other news, I had a very painful pimple this weekend on my nose. Now I agree this isn't exactly earth-shattering information but it hurt like hell. Because not only was it on my nose, it was on the inside right at the edge of my nostril, and I was dealing with a few allergies (causing me to have to use tissue), so your sympathy would be nice.

Today's chuckle...

Donald Rumsfeld briefed President Bush this morning and informed him three Brazilian Soldiers were killed in Iraq. To everyone's amazement, all the color ran from Bush's face; then he collapsed onto his desk, head in his hands, visibly shaken and almost whimpering.

Finally he composed himself and asked Rumsfeld "Just how many is a Brazillion?"

The French have now lost the right to call us "Stupid Americans"...

Don't worry, it's subtitled.


The Majority of French People Are Dumb - Watch more free videos

Poll your kids with this and see how many get it right. Let me know what you come up with.

Now I'm hungry...

Ingesting the placenta: Is it healthy for new moms?

By Steve Friess, Special for USA TODAY

Debi French was dreading the birth of her fourth child. She wanted the baby, to be sure, but she was terrified of being visited again with the overwhelming despair that came over her in the days and weeks after her last delivery.

French's midwife offered her an unusual remedy: She suggested the expectant mother ingest her own placenta as a means of allaying postpartum depression. The temporary organ was saved, dried and emulsified, then placed in gelatin capsules and taken by the mother in the months after the birth in December 2004.

"Before I actually did it, my friends thought it was weird," says French, 29, of Spokane, Wash., whose fifth child is due in August. "But when they saw how fast I recovered from my birth and they knew my history, they thought it was pretty neat. Now I have a lot of friends planning to do it."

The practice, known as placentophagy, is far from widespread and is received with great skepticism by more traditional medical experts. But among a small but vocal contingent of expectant mothers and proponents, it is strongly believed that the organ created by the woman's body to pass nutrients between mother and fetus and is expelled after birth is rich in chemicals that can help mitigate fluctuations in hormones believed to cause postpartum depression...

There's more to this article, but I came across this and was frankly... stunned. So there.

I was listening to talk radio yesterday

And the topic of conversation was Michael "The Animal Abuser Who Should Have Raw Steak Attached To His Genitals Then Dropped Into A Pen Full Of Hungry Mastiffs" Vick. The host of the show, as I would expect from MOST normal people, was outraged by Vick's actions and if the allegations are true wants to see him properly punished. But a caller phoned in, incensed that human rights were being infringed upon by animal rights, and that dogs should have no rights. For crying out loud, we are the top of the food chain! That was his position.

If you haven't figured it out, I don't agree.

They F&#! you at the...

Post office?

This happened to a friend of mine. Here is his transcript:

I went to check my PO box Monday and the box key wouldn't turn. The counter was open so I asked what was up. They said I didn't pay my bill so I was locked out. I said I should be paid up (wtf?!!) I don't remember any notice. The clerk said the notice would have been due June 30. I said I DIDN'T SEE ANY NOTICE. Besides, here it is only the 16th and I also haven't received a 2nd notice. They have always sent a second one if I didn't pay immediately. The clerk said they used to but they stopped. I said, without any notice? She said they give you 10 days. I said well it's now only the 16th. I know it hasn't been more than 2 weeks since I was here last, and it wasn't locked then and again, I don't know of any notice.

Clerk: Sorry. If you have your canceled check you can bring it in in case we made an error. But you'll have to talk to Janet, she's off at 3.
Me: Why only Janet?
Clerk: she's the one who can access all the box payment records.
Me: Well what about my mail can I get my mail?
Clerk: It's not here. It's all been returned to sender.

#$^*#&$#YT@*&$#^$@*#$##?@#^@#$***!^#@$">&#$^*#&$#YT@*&$#^$@*#$@**&@#^$@#^@#$***!^#@$!!

Clerk: You can fill out a change of address card if you have another place your mail can be delivered.

(I forgot to point out the reason I have to have a fucking mailbox is b/c our residential carriers have often put mail in the wrong boxes and important documents have been lost).

Me: You're kidding! How can that be? So...(SON OF A F..) where do we go from here? What do I do to unlock my box?
Clerk: That box has already been rented out to someone else.

:(&*^%$*&^((&?+!#%$^#&*^*!!!

Me: WHAT? So, I didn't get the notice somehow, you don't send out the 2nd notices anymore (and never gave any warning about this change in policy) so I missed the payment and you rent my box out from under me in only 10 days? GREAT. Just great.
Clerk: Yes. We have a waiting list. Do you want your dollar back for your key?
Me: I guess.

Sometimes it just doesn't pay to get out of bed in the morning. Does this upset anyone else? It should.

Follow up: My friend spoke with Janet. She apparently was not only unable to help, but had a rather "bitchy" attitude about it. They offered to rent him another box.

Wait a minute. Another box? What about the F'in waiting list? And if the post office is in a position to simply rent another box, why not rent the other box to someone else as opposed to renting his out from under him? And I guess it's no big deal to have to send out the change of address notices to everyone (sarcasm intended - note that my friend had that box for over 10 years).

Today's chuckle...

Thanks to Cue!

Apple Computers announced today that it has developed a computer
chip that can store and play music in women's breast implants.

The iBoob will cost between $499 and $599. This is considered to be a
major breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men
staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

Thanks to Apple, everyone is now happy.

Real Genius is hard to find...

Thanks to Cheryl for pointing me to this:

Associated Press, July 16, 2007

LARGO, Fla. - A 38-year-old man was arrested after he called 911 and told a dispatcher he was surrounded by police officers and needed help, authorities said.

Police officers met Dana Farrell Shelton after being called to investigate a disturbance at a bar on Sunday but had found no problems and told him to move along.

Shelton, who officers said appeared intoxicated, then called 911 to report he was "surrounded by Largo police," according to an arrest affidavit.

"Our officers were standing there scratching their heads. He called, standing there in their presence," Largo Sgt. Melanie Holley said. "It's one of our 'truth is stranger than fiction' cases."

Shelton was charged with misdemeanor misuse of 911. The charge carries maximum penalties of one year in jail and $1,000 in fines.

That'll learn her!

From the Sacramento Bee - July 16, 2007

SACRAMENTO -- A 27-year-old Sacramento man died early Sunday after jumping out of a moving car during an argument with his girlfriend, officials said.

Sacramento Police Lt. Michael Bray said police were dispatched to Norwood and Morey avenues in the Del Paso Heights area for a call about a body in the road at 12:43 a.m.

Coroner's officials identified the dead man as Somchay Phomthevy. Officers determined that he leaped from the car during a heated quarrel and died when he hit the road. Bray said it is not clear whether the man knew that he was endangering his life when he jumped from the moving car.

Bray said the woman's identity was not available Sunday, but she was arrested on suspicion of driving under the influence.

The death did not appear to be suspicious, and more likely was accidental, Bray said. Coroner's officials had not determined the exact cause of death Sunday.

Sometimes...

You just gotta take a break.

These are funny -

Like the silhouette I cast on the ground when standing perpendicular to the setting sun...

Every year, English teachers from across the country can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country.

Here are some recent winners:

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room - temperature Canadian beef.
5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.
8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.
9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.
18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

Am I FOR or AGAINST...

yesterday's post prompted my friend to ask me to state my position. Here it is -

With tongue in cheek, I firmly agree with this. We should re-focus our energies to ensuring our autonomy with regard to energy, we should do everything possible to remove illegal aliens, and we should have an attitude of not forcing our ideals on any country who doesn't want it. If a dictator or other political entity seizes control in a foreign country not allied with the United States - oh well.

We cannot afford to continue to be the "protectors" of the weak if it causes us to be weaken our own resources.

In other news, law enforcement in Southern California has a new crackdown tool on street racing -
Associated Press, June 20, 2007

Charles Hoang winced when the whoosh went out of the tires. Daniel Maldonado took pictures with a digital camera as glass exploded and rained down to the ground.

The two teens didn't know each other but they shared a common grief standing near each other under the sweltering sun Wednesday. They both watched helplessly as the cars they had so meticulously souped up and tricked out were crushed and turned into metal pancakes as part of a crackdown on illegal street racing in Southern California.

"That's my heart, my dream," said a visibly upset Hoang, 18, of Chino, who was surrounded by friends as his 1998 Acura Integra was put into a compactor. "That's my girlfriend, the love of my life. The cops can crush my car, but they can't crush my memories."

Six vehicles were destroyed at an auto graveyard as local law enforcement ramped up enforcement against illegal street racing, which is responsible for or suspected in 13 deaths in Southern California since March.

The thrill-seeking, adrenaline-pumping activity is rampant in Riverside and San Bernardino counties east of Los Angeles where rows of tract homes line wide streets ideal for racing. Nearly 1,000 people have been arrested for investigation of street racing activities over the past two years in San Bernardino County alone. That includes spectators as well as drivers.

Police need a court order to destroy the cars. They must prove that the serial or identification numbers on a vehicle or its parts are removed, altered or destroyed.

Although police said they have managed to reduce illegal racing and related fatal collisions, they are well aware the underground hobby still thrives.

"We are making a dent," said Ontario police Cpl. Jeff Higbee. "But it's summertime and ... we expect to see more activity."

Hoang said he was caught late last year racing his prized car on which he spent at least $10,000 to get into top shape. The 350-horsepower engine topped out at 160 mph, Hoang said, swearing it could beat a Corvette or even a Ferrari.

When police popped open the hood, Hoang said, they found a stolen transmission. Hoang flashed a receipt for the transmission he bought from his father who runs an auto shop and doubted the item was hot.

"Everything on that car was practically brand new," Hoang said as he watched his car get moved to auto death row. "They should take out the stuff that matters, auction it off, and give the money to charity."

Because racers put heavy stress on their vehicles, they often burn out or blow up parts. Higbee said the need for the expensive parts has created a "theft mill" where additional cars — usually Hondas or Acuras — are stolen and stripped of the necessary replacements.

Most of the cars police examine are illegally modified. Sergio Zavala, 18, was pulled over in his 1993 yellow Honda Civic for a broken tail light in December. He had purchased a B-20 Vtech engine with a double-overhead cam a couple months before, and after a police investigation, was told it was stolen.

Zavala, who admits he's been involved in street racing, estimates he and his mother spent about $10,000 to make improvements to his car.

After watching his Civic demolished, Zavala is left without a car as he plans to attend a fire academy in the fall.

"It's heartbreaking to see this," said Zavala, who graduated from high school last week. "This is where all my time and money went."

Maldonado also said he put plenty of time and effort working on his 1992 black Honda Civic. He was stopped in November by police in what Higbee described as an area where racers gather.

The 18-year-old mechanic said a vehicle identification sticker apparently fell off and without it, police suspected some of the parts were stolen. Maldonado stood several feet away from his car as it was pounded into a heap of metal.

Maldonado said he has taken the advice of police — by racing legally on one of several race courses around Southern California. For the money spent in fines and other penalties — on average about $5,000 for illegally modified cars — Higbee said street racers could compete about 250 times a year at a legitimate track.

"If you have to race, take it to a legal venue," Higbee said. "But as long as they keep racing illegally, we keep crushing their cars."

All three men who saw their vehicles destroyed accused the police of auto profiling. They said they target only Hondas and Acuras, hoping to find something. Maldonado said he's driven a 1989 Toyota Supra but never been stopped.

They also believe illegal street racing will continue to prosper across the region.

"It will never go away," Maldonado said. "If it's in your heart, you will continue to do it until you can't anymore."

Falsely attributed to Robin Williams, but clever nevertheless...

"I see a lot of people yelling for peace but I have not heard of a plan for peace. So, here's one plan."

1) The US will apologize to the world for our "interference" in their affairs, past & present. You know, Hitler, Mussolini, Stalin, Tojo, Noriega, Milosevic, Hussein, and the rest of those "good 'ole' boys", we will never "interfere" again.

2) We will withdraw our troops from all over the world, starting with Germany , South Korea , the Middle East , and the Philippines . They don't want us there anyway. We would station troops at our borders. No one allowed sneaking through holes in the fence anymore.

3) All illegal aliens have 90 days to get their affairs together and leave. We'll give them a free trip home. After 90 days the remainder will be gathered up and deported immediately, regardless of whom or where they are. They're illegal!!! France will welcome them.

4) All future visitors will be thoroughly checked and limited to 90 days unless given a special permit!!!! No one from a terrorist nation will be allowed in. If you don't like it there, change it yourself and don't hide here. Asylum would never be available to anyone. We don't need any more cab drivers or 7-11 cashiers.

5) No foreign "students" over age 21. The older ones are the bombers. If they don't attend classes, they get a "D" and it's back home baby.

6) The US will make a strong effort to become self-sufficient energy wise. This will include developing nonpolluting sources of energy but will require a temporary drilling of oil in the Alaskan wilderness. The caribou will have to cope for a while.

7) Offer Saudi Arabia and other oil producing countries $10 a barrel for their oil. If they don't like it, we go someplace else. They can go somewhere else to sell their production. (About a week of the wells filling up the storage sites would be enough.)

8) If there is a famine or other natural catastrophe in the world, we will not "interfere." They can pray to Allah or whomever, for seeds, rain, cement or whatever they need. Besides most of what we give them is stolen or given to the army. The people who need it most get very little, if anything.

9) Ship the UN Headquarters to an isolated island someplace. We don't need the spies and fair weather friends here. Besides, the building would make a good homeless shelter or lockup for illegal aliens.

10) All Americans must go to charm and beauty school. That way, no one can call us "Ugly Americans" any longer.
The Language we speak is ENGLISH...learn it...or LEAVE...Now, isn't that a winner of a plan?
"The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying "Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses." She's got a baseball bat and she's yelling, 'you want a piece of me?' (this last part is a quote from Robin Williams)

Everyone told me to get out of jury duty...

This was just one of the techniques suggested to me:

Associated Press 5:01 a.m. PT July 10, 2007

BARNSTABLE, Mass. - A Cape Cod man who claimed he was homophobic, racist and a habitual liar to avoid jury duty earned an angry rebuke from a judge on Monday, who referred the case to prosecutors for possible charges.

“In 32 years of service in courtrooms, as a prosecutor, as a defense attorney and now as a judge, I have quite frankly never confronted such a brazen situation of an individual attempting to avoid juror service,” Barnstable Superior Court Judge Gary Nickerson told Daniel Ellis, according to a preliminary court transcript of the exchange.

Ellis, of Falmouth, had been called to court with about 60 other potential jurors for possible service on a 23-member grand jury.

On a questionnaire that all potential jurors fill out, Ellis wrote that he didn’t like homosexuals and blacks. He then echoed those sentiments in an interview with Nickerson.

“You say on your form that you’re not a fan of homosexuals,” Nickerson said.

“That I’m a racist,” Ellis interrupted.

“I’m frequently found to be a liar, too. I can’t really help it,” Ellis added.

“I’m sorry?” Nickerson said.

“I said I’m frequently found to be a liar,” Ellis replied.

“So, are you lying to me now?” Nickerson asked.

“Well, I don’t know. I might be,” was the response.

Ellis then admitted he really didn’t want to serve on a jury.

“I have the distinct impression that you’re intentionally trying to avoid jury service,” Nickerson said.

“That’s true,” Ellis answered.

Nickerson ordered Ellis taken into custody. He was released later Monday morning.

Ellis could face perjury and other charges.

This is pretty good...

Thanks Kristin.

This is an actual job application that a 19 year old submitted to Wal-Mart in St. Louis, Mo. They hired him because he was so funny:

NAME: DeAngelo Britt

SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman, (or at least, one who'll cooperate).

DESIRED POSITION: Company President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER:? If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a
winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no; on my breaks - yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb, sexy, blonde, supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Scorpio

I really don't have anything to add...

Sometimes humor just stands on its own.

I get to change my poker monikor

I can no longer be called "Almost". Yes, last night I won the tourney! 7 players (with a lot of re-buys among them) and I emerged victorious. I like the fact that the only two players who DIDN'T re-buy ended up splitting the pot. Nice.

The odd thing about last night was the deck of cards. I could not believe how hot that deck was. Consistently from beginning to end, virtually every hand was a major winner. Third hand in, I lose an Ace high straight to a flush. A couple of hands later, someone wins with four kings. It was insane! All night, 3 of a kind was losing to a full house, flushes were beating straights, the board appeared to pair in 70 to 80 percent of the hands. Bad beats were the norm. It was so ridiculous we were folding very respectable hands because the board was that outrageous - for example, I folded queen jack suited when a pair of kings hit the flop. It was that kind of night. The final hand was the perfect testament to how the night went.

I was in the big blind and was dealt Ace Jack suited. Rob was on the button and was dealt big slick (Ace King for you non-poker people) and went all in. I made the call and a Jack hit the flop, and I finished the hand with a flush to his pair of Kings. Just another bad beat.

I can't wait for the next one.

News from the canine world - July 4 (part 2)

It took me three days to get over it, and I can talk about it now.

WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?!!

Seriously! The big guy walks me down to the park, and there is all sorts of stuff going on! People everywhere, other dogs (to my brothers and sisters out there, sorry, but the big guy wouldn't let me visit you. Feel free to crap in your owner's shoes in protest - I thought about it, but personally, that's just gross), carnival rides, beer gardens (I hear these are good), and food vendors all around. It's late afternoon and all is right with the world. The big guy and a couple of his friends drop down a blanket and we just hang out. I did get to say "Hi" to people, mostly those who really like touching me. Not too sure what the hell that's all about, but it feels good and they talk to me in kid's voices which just makes me laugh.

A band starts playing nearby as it gets on towards sunset. I think the big guy called them "America". Never heard of them, but the song "Ventura Highway" kicked ass. After I finish this entry, I plan on finding out what an alligator lizard is and how they get into the air. So all in all, this was a pretty cool night out. Then it happened.

The band finished, and right over our heads aliens attacked. Seriously, the noise was deafening, and the bursts of colored lights were very obviously meant to kill us all! Stupid humans, they actually just sat there, "oohing" and "aahing", completely unaware we were all about to die! But they weren't going to get ME alive! I started running, and the damn leash stopped me. Why didn't the big guy get it? We needed to get outta' there! Luckily I am a tenacious bitch and he finally understood the severity of the situation (seemed like it took him forever, but really only a couple of minutes). He got up and we left - almost. I could not believe that just as we were about to break completely free, he turned and stopped. He was just standing there, watching the lights from hell threaten our very existence. Then I noticed something - the aliens had CRAPPY aim! With all the lights and noise, not one person was hurt. So though we were still in danger, I let him watch, but boy was I on high alert.

Finally it stopped, and everyone applauded. Stupid humans. I had had enough. I walked the big guy home as fast as I could. If he picked up the pace, so did I. All I could think about was the impending second wave, and bacon. Don't know why I thought about bacon, but I did. Back at my house, I was finally safe and it didn't take me long to pass out. Stress is just exhausting.

All is right again. The aliens are gone, and no one appears damaged. But I still can't shake the feeling that I really, REALLY need some bacon.

I wonder who the media will blame THIS on...

From the Associated Press, July 6 2007 8:16am

Detectives arrested a 12-year-old girl and her 10-year-old sister for allegedly abducting their neighbor's 1-year-old son and demanding $200,000 for his return.

Brandon Wells was safe back at home Thursday night, hours after intruders broke into his family's residence and took him while his mother, Sheila Wells, slept, police said.

"I've been doing this 18 1/2 years, and this is the first time I know of when a 10- and a 12-year-old kidnapped a 1-year-old," said police Capt. Dean Grassino. "It definitely ranks up there with the unusual crimes."

The siblings, who were not identified because of their ages, are accused of sneaking into Wells' home at about 5:30 a.m., taking Brandon and leaving a ransom note.

"If you want to see your son again then you won't call police and report him missing and you will leave $200,000 on the sofa tonight and we will return your son back safe," the note read, according to police.

The note was signed, "the kidnappers."

The plan began to unravel when the girls' mother saw them with the child, police said. They told their mother they had found the boy on the corner, police said.

As girls' mother tried to find Sheila Wells' telephone number, the 12-year-old returned to Wells' residence and told her it was the younger sister who was responsible for the abduction, Grassino said.

Wells immediately retrieved her child from the girls' home and police were called, Grassino said.

Wells said she knew the girls and had banned the 10-year-old girl from her home a few weeks ago, but did not say why.

The girls appeared in Garfield County District Court on Thursday afternoon and were taken to Community Intervention Center for juveniles. They have not been formally charged.

"I know they're so young, but they need to learn from their mistakes," Wells said.

News from the canine world - July 4

I just wanted to run...